Patmos Isle

The life of a Pastor, one who has been beaten and left to die by his own kind.

Name:
Location: Texas, United States

I consider myself as one that has seen the dark side of humanity and has lived to speak of it.

Wednesday, August 30, 2006

Forsaken

This post is not for you Mr. Jackson. :)

I wish I knew of another word to use. I wish I knew of another phrase to give. I wish I knew of another way to scream....SAVE ME!!! Yet for some reason every word that I have spoken to Him, He has ignored.

I know that there will be them that will say.... "Preacher the Lord never forsakes us?" Then why did His Son cry out.... "Why has Thou forsaken me?" I know I am not perfect and I know I could list a thousand reasons why He would forsake me, yet I just expected more from Him I guess.

I must stop this beating my head against the wall, I must stop this searching my soul, I must stop this non-stop wondering if today He will take me off of this cross and bury me.

You would think there would be mercy for me. You would think that He would have removed me from the cross before the birds of the air have come to eat my rotting flesh. Where is thy mercy? Where is thy grace? Where is MY hope!!! How can there be hope for everyone else but me? How can there be mercy for everyone else but me? What have I done that has caused thy anger to burn so hot against my face? What must I do so that you can realize how desperate I am.

Why have you caused even the hearts of man to turn from me? Why have you removed my name from the lips of men and my spirit from the hearts of thy servants? Is this what you do with them that have given you their lives, is this what you do with them that have given everything to the call? Is this my reward? Is this my crown?

I have kept silent because I thought you were trying to speak and I was just talking to much to hear you. Now I have learned that not even my silence gives you opportunity to speak. What must I do, where must I go? Why won't you answer me....

You asked of me... Who will I send? I responded.... Send I!!!! Now I am asking you... When will this end?!? Speak to me or seal up your heavens and do away with me! Speak to me or remove me from this land of the living, and let me be buried with them that have gone on before me.

Monday, August 21, 2006

I wish I knew what to say

God, I wish I knew what to say right now. I have never in my life felt so alone, so afraid, so scared, so forgotten!!!

I have been silent, not because I have been busy, but because I have been silent. I got tired of hearing myself say the same dam thing over and over. I got tired of hearing myself speak, so I put my hand over my mouth and I only speak when I have too. I speak not to family, friends, loved ones, not even my precious little girl (yorkie)

I have nothing left to say, I have cried out in the room full of people and no one cared to listen, I cried out in the forest and no one cared to come, I cared out in the storm and yet everyone remained inside. So I have just stopped crying and honestly I think I have just stopped caring.

I wish now more than ever to be just left alone, I know this sounds horrible, yet there was a day that I thought I would just run away, leave everyone and everything and just vanish. Now I only have the strength to wish that everyone would just leave me, just walk away, just leave me to myself.

Saturday, June 10, 2006

Weight

I feel this ton of weight on me. It is sucking the life right out of my living. My purpose has become how can I hide, where can I go that no one will find me. I feel like a dog that is about to go off and just die somewhere. Somewhere away from home, somewhere away from others, somewhere away from them that deep down inside he knows that he cares about, but for some reason right now, cannot find love for them.

I wish I could explain it. Sex has never been better, but even sex becomes just another reason to take your hat off.

I need to scream, I need to yell at the top of my lungs, yet two things keep me from it. One, I know that someone will hear & Two, I dont know what I would scream. Oh, I repent, I know what I would scream and I guess the thing that keeps me from screaming is, well, refer back to # 1.

Saturday, May 20, 2006

Where did she go?

I think that I have discovered there is yet a far greater fear to failure than the fear of being found in your failure, it is the fear that you no longer feel sorrow for your failure!!!

There was a day that I wept myself dry when I had taken the hand of sin and walked down her dark alley. Yet tonight, there is no sorrow. There is no weeping. There is only the relief that I have once again taken her hand. (I guess I should make it clear that I use the word "her" not as in a person but just in reference to sin.)

I wonder now, I honestly wonder, have I married her? Have I danced with her for so long that now she is apart of my life and will be accepted by me? What has happened to the hot bitter salty tears that once run down my face and managed to somehow find the tip of my tongue? What has happened to the sorrow? What has happened to the grief? What has happened to the crying out... "Never again Father, Never again!!"?

Maybe my eyes have adjusted to her darkness? Maybe my eyes have grown blind? Maybe my eyes have been opened and now I have come to acceptance? Was it ever wrong or was it a trade of religion?

Could it be that religion kept me from an act of innocence? Could it be that my great sorrow was condemnation of man's agenda and mans label of sin?

Whatever it is, I must say... I am concerned, yet my mind races...."What if this is just another battle of condemnation?"

Monday, April 24, 2006

It Hurts

I have known pain in my life, I wonder sometimes if it was not my twin that was separated at birth. The pain of sickness, the pain of torture, the pain of trouble. Yet I think the greatest pain is that of separation. When you know it is time to say good-bye to things. Things that you have invested in, and I am not speaking of some stock symbol, but to things that we call friends.... Humanity.

As a Pastor/Minister/Missionary one does not have very many friends, if one does they are often of the same faith and of the same occupation. It is a rare thing to find a friend that does not know who you are or what you do and the only thing they really care about in life is you, not if you pray 3 times day or how often you fast.

I have a friend such as that... I have a friend that would not mind if I told him what I did for a living, but that is not of his interest, he just wants to be a friend, he just wants to be apart of my life, he just wants to say hi. However over the last year his friendship has become that of a hindrance to who I am suppose to be and what I am suppose to be about. Some would say, hey just manage your time better, just learn to say no, just learn to hide out from this person. I wish it was that easy, I wish I could just not call, I wish I could just not instant message, I wish I could just not be around. However, that is not me. You see friendship is a very very very very very rare item in my life and I think I know now why it is, because I have in some weird way of making it a very unhealthy thing. The friend becomes more important to me than anything else in life (marriage,family,ministry,morals) I realize it is because I am weak, and I see that and I wish I could do something about that. Yet I have failed once again trying that, I have failed once again trying to balance this thing called friendship.

I guess what I am getting at is simple... What hurts is the fact that I have a gold mind, yet the love for it, is truly the root of all evil.

Monday, April 17, 2006

Oh To Suffer

Out of nowhere today two very interesting moments in life come rushing back to me and I cannot help but wonder, how, if possible it could be true.

I was but a child, having moved in with my grandparents, loving them in a way that only an 8 year old could (with everything he could). I remember kneeling down in the bathroom, kneeling at the toilet and with everything that was in me crying out that God would make me sick so that the hole in my grandmothers heart would get better. Today, I suffer daily with a sick heart, medication on a good day keeps me out of bed.

This second memory, I was young, but older than 8. I remember my mother holding her hands and crying and telling me when I asked, that she has arthritis and she suffers with it often. I remember praying.... God, please, put it on me, so that my mother wont hurt anymore. Today I can barely rest at night, from hands that ache and are so tender and sore.

How these two things come back to me today, I guess that part of my mind opened and let them spill out. How odd and I know those who read will say... Patmos, you are crazy!!! Maybe I am, yet I cannot stop thinking..... How odd

Sunday, April 16, 2006

The Sun

We are always seeking for the rising of that which carries with it the ability to expose flaws.

I wonder if we have searched for the wrong thing.... If we have pleaded for that which was meant to expose our ugliness.

No doubt, darkness has it's fears, yet even more so it has this amazing power, the power to hide our flaws.

I think we should be a people that realize we are not fit for light. We should reach for darkness as a naked youth reaches for a towel when mom forgets to knock before entering the bathroom.

Sitting by the lake this week, I come to a conclusion.... It is prettier at night. To see it's beauty during the day, one must close their eyes and just enjoy the sound of the water that makes it way upon the shore. Yet at night, you can stand at the waters edge with eyes wide open, the moon looking down and the darkness hiding the trash and waste that careless people have thrown from their boats.

So why is it that we plead for light? Why is it that we beg of Him to give us some ray of brightness, do we think we are worth being seen? Do we think that we have something that is worth others looking upon? I think maybe it is because we no longer trust the night. We hear of the evils that are done under the cover of darkness and now we fear that which could be more of a benefit to us than any new suit of clothing could ever do.

Maybe there are those (including me) that were groomed for darkness? Maybe there are those (including me) that were knitted in the womb of our mothers to never be seen, maybe heard, but never seen. Maybe at our conception even the moon was hidden by the clouds of a storm. Our creator might of had in mind that we be the children of darkness, that we be the people who roam among graveyards and harvest fields under the light of our moon.

As I write this, I am beginning to wonder... Am I a child who is to labor in the field when no one looks, so that there might be food on the table for them who work in the day. Is it my job to rob of the cornfields under the light of this dim star, so that those who labor by the sun will be nourished for their day. Have I missed my calling, because it seemed unfair? Have I missed my duty, because I was jealous? Are there children of darkness? Are there those who must work while it is night so the children of day can boast and take their trophies?

Have I failed Him, because I thought He had lost me? Have I failed Him, because I thought He was just teasing me? Have I failed Him, because what I thought was His failure, was actually His trusting me?