Patmos Isle

The life of a Pastor, one who has been beaten and left to die by his own kind.

Name:
Location: Texas, United States

I consider myself as one that has seen the dark side of humanity and has lived to speak of it.

Thursday, February 24, 2005

It is cold

I find myself sitting in my office today next to the heater, just trying to get warm. Yet what is more so cold than this flesh, is my soul. It's as if my soul has become one with nature.

This dark winter has caused me to question, to question so much in life.

What am I doing?
What have I done?
What should I be doing?
What should I have done?

I feel so far away, yet a part of me feels as if it is wanting to live. Maybe it is the seed of life that is yearning for the spring, so that it might bloom. Oh how I hope this is true.

My shoulders are heavy and my feet seem to drag. I ask myself... When will the day cause the night to vanish? I find myself over and over in the midst of darkness.
Overcome by the shadows, overcome by the grief, overcome by the fact that many around me dance in light, and I am called to sit in darkness.

I had convinced myself, that this darkness would be for my benefit, yet I realize that though I grow stronger, I still cannot help but wonder what the sun on my face would feel like.

I stood in the heat of my shower today, and I cried out as only a child who has been left would cry.... My God, My God, why has thou forsaken me?!? What have I done, have I exhausted thy mercy, has my failures out numbered thy grace?

Maybe, just maybe, tomorrow I shall behold the sun.

2 Comments:

Blogger Thomas Jackson said...

The major duality I've seen in life is not good vs evil; it is hope vs mercy. When we run out of one, we crave the other; love replenishes both.

"Overcome by the shadows, overcome by the grief, overcome by the fact that many around me dance in light, and I am called to sit in darkness."

I know this feeling well. The gap between living full of hope, and living wishing only mercy is enormous. I've come to the conclusion that I am meant to be alone in the dark.

It's not fair; it never has been. Proverbs can lie. Job describes the truth of the matter: we are not privy to God's plans or designs. We endure.

My brother tells me I'm blessed because I'm articulate, and cursed by my schizophrenia. I believe he's right. I have the tools to express a small part of my misery. That is something most schizophrenics cannot do. I see much the same in you. You are a pastor, right? Teach us the entrances to the dark paths so we may avoid them. Experience can inform. You might never see that Sun you crave; don't let it stop you from your calling.

You might have to use different tools than most. Try Job over Proverbs. Try Matthew over John. We are not all Sons of Thunder as James and John. I'm a son of midnight.

8:31 AM  
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