Patmos Isle

The life of a Pastor, one who has been beaten and left to die by his own kind.

Location: Texas, United States

I consider myself as one that has seen the dark side of humanity and has lived to speak of it.

Sunday, March 06, 2005

I almost had a feeling...

Going to the "party" last night was almost a very good thing. Yet my mind took over my emotions and ruined the whole thing.

I went to a banquet last night, I would rather call it a party, so maybe someone will think that I have a life. So at this party, it is your usual..."Smile and really look like you are having a good time" In fact your last root canal has better memories.

However, this party was different, my hero's were there, men and women that I think are the greatest. Missionaries!! I have grown to love these people, I know each of them that were there, very well and yet none of them know my suffering. One of them knows me very well and knows the horror of what another Christian can do to their Pastor, he kind of saw 1st hand everything that took place in my life a year ago.

Last night as I walked into the room, I just kept my head down, I did not want to be there, I did not want to see anyone, I did not want to even be noticed. Yet looking up to find my table, I saw my friend, he was talking to probably one of the most "powerful" men among us, a man of great respect and his words carry much weight. You are lucky to even smell his breath. As I look up, he looks over and sees me, without even a thought, he turns to the "mighty one" and I read his lips,
"My friend is here, I need to go" He walks over to me, throws his arms around me and pulls me unto him and holds me, saying, I sure do love you!!! I sure do love you!! I sure do love you!!!

I almost said it, but I kept myself from saying it, I almost said, I love you too. Yet, at that moment, I knew I could be real, I knew I could not say anything and he would understand, I knew I did not have to lie to him. Now please understand, I love this brother, well I guess I do. I just don't have any feelings right now for really anyone. No sense of love or compassion, no sense of feeling or direction. He grabs me, says to me, please sit with me, please join my table tonight. "I can't, I have others here with me, that expect me to be with them."
I almost had this feeling, that someone actually loved me. That someone actually had a feeling for me. That someone would actually look for me if I turned up gone.

The rest of the night I sat in this numbness as I sipped my coffee and had my chocolate cake, sitting at a table surrounded by them that smell so righteous, and laugh on cue, and say their amen, and give their nods of approval, sitting there, sipping on this cup of cheap coffee, wishing, thinking, daring myself to move to the other table, yet I kept telling myself, it is just easier to not feel, than to feel and then not feel again.


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