Patmos Isle

The life of a Pastor, one who has been beaten and left to die by his own kind.

Location: Texas, United States

I consider myself as one that has seen the dark side of humanity and has lived to speak of it.

Friday, May 27, 2005

Midnight Train

Who would have ever thought that I would be at a place in my life that the joy of others being seen and heard and listened too and most of all not tried to be proven wrong would come to my heart.

Not that I was this... "Know it all" ~ "I am right ALWAYS and you are wrong" attitude ever was in my vocabulary. Yet, my life has been spent, trying to prove what I believed, and if your feelings got hurt in the process of it, then, well, you needed to change in the first place.

Now before anyone that I know, says to me... "Patmos, you are just having a moment." Well, I would disagree, I think what has happened is that I know what I believe now, and I am comfortable with the fact that not everyone is going to agree with me, yet even then, I still have a responsibility to love them, not write them off.

For so long, I have thought that it was my agenda to hold the fort, to keep the battle line stored up with hot oil to pour on them that tried to post anything on our wall that was not what I believed to be true.

I guess I can just come out and say it. I have decided to no longer sit at the train station and try to figure out, how the train could have a softer sound to it's roar, but to say.... Let us get on this train, and not try to be it's engineer, but for the 1st time, see who all is on it.

Will I change my convictions... I doubt it, but I have decided that my eyes will no longer be blinded by them.

Sunday, May 22, 2005

My soul has lost it's voice

Why did I do it? I knew better, yet I still put my heart out to be accepted. I knew that when the day would come, for them to actually have a choice, that they would choose my leaving rather than my staying. I should have never looked back, I should have never questioned my going, yet out of the love for a people I thought I knew what would be best. Now I must suffer this needless pain.

This needless pain that has even as I write this, has taken from me my voice. I want to speak, I want to at least say..."I love you" or even better so..."I NEED thee" Yet this darkness I have created has silenced me, has captured my voice, has now become my pillow by which I do not sleep on, but yet covers my face.

What bothers me now more than anything, is the fact that I no longer fight the pillow. I knew of a time, that I would have fought so that I could be heard, now I hide, I hide in my office, because I fear that someone might hear my silence.

Why did you do this? Why would you place yourself in the place of evil? Why would you allow yourself to be put in the way of mans darkness? I guess I assumed that they had no darkness, I guess I assumed that they really did love me. I believed them when they said..."Please, don't leave me".

I know I heard them right, I know I heard their voices, I know I heard them say, if you could but only stay. I have determined, that they love the idea of me, that just don't love me.