Patmos Isle

The life of a Pastor, one who has been beaten and left to die by his own kind.

Location: Texas, United States

I consider myself as one that has seen the dark side of humanity and has lived to speak of it.

Monday, August 08, 2005

My worry with freedom

I guess the most troubling thing and no doubt the saddest thing is that I cannot even enjoy a moment of freedom. That moment when the grave clothes lose their grip and you are able to think clearly, you are able to breath with out fear.

Today has been that day. I awakened and felt like, what I can only imagine the earth feels as the rains come from above to cleanse and refresh creation. So I kept very still in my bed, not to move, not to tempt or awaken the forces of evil. I slowly removed myself from the bed and quickly brushed my teeth, so that I could leave and make the best out of my day.

Yet now as I come to the end... I sit here... Being tormented because I had found a tree to sit under and enjoy, rather to sit under and ask of the Lord to just let me disappear. How sad it is that even my freedom cost me much in the end.

I think that what is even more so troubling is my prayer to disappear, it is not to die, nor to have others around me to be judged for their sins against me. It is that I want to disappear, I want to vanish, to be found in another place with another life and nothing that I have now apart of it. I don't ask for death, I just ask for life, but not life as I knew it even before my tormenters arrived, yet a life that I had when it was just me, myself, and I.

I believe that I could shed these grave clothes if it was not for the fact that I have so many around me and yet NOT ONE OF THEM has offered or troubled themselves with the fact that I stand as Lazarus on the outside of a tomb. It saddens me deeply that they have to be told to remove my grave clothes.

I said to someone the other day.... I will eventually get past the fact that so many had so much evil to say against me, yet the thing that I will never forget is the fact that I had so many "friends" around me that never spoke for me, that never defended me, they just stood silent, as they begin to wrap me with these garments. It is their silence that is the greater sin against me.


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