Patmos Isle

The life of a Pastor, one who has been beaten and left to die by his own kind.

Location: Texas, United States

I consider myself as one that has seen the dark side of humanity and has lived to speak of it.

Sunday, August 14, 2005


Here it is 9:40 a.m. on the Lord's Day, and I am ever so thankful that today we have a special guest speaker. I just don't know how in the world I could have preached today. I feel in my bones today such weakness, I have been to this place before, it always leads me to a hospital bed, with more fluids going in, than what is coming out. With Dr's standing over me, shaking their heads, telling me how much this is going to cost me in the long run of life. I lay in their bed silently, with my eyes half closed and my mouth shut from shame once again.

I remember the first time I dropped to the floor from exhaustion, I picked myself up and put it on my sleeve as a badge of honor, to only find their is no honor with Christ, I realized how it brought Him shame. How others looked upon Him as one that has heavy burdens and yoke's that are tight. I raised my hand to the Lord and said, it will never happen again, yet He knows the truth by now, I mean this will be the 6th time, who am I kidding. I hear it's ticking, I hear this bomb and it is ready to once again take control of my life, of my destiny.

It's as if, I have become it's slave. As if it owns me. My eyes are blood shot and the deep dark circles have returned again. My wife says to me, just lay still in the bed, you will fall asleep. She does her best to shackle me to the bed, yet my bed is great with sorrow and sleep is far from it. I lay there, trying to be spiritual, casting my cares upon Him, yet all that comes from it is that I awaken even more demons. To lay in the bed, to remain still, is impossible, so I again put on my sackcloth and arise to the couch, it is there that my flesh can moan, that my spirit can cry out with noises not know too man. I have in life questioned, what spirit is this? What spirit torments a man? What spirit causes man to crumble and lay helpless on his couch?

I am truly thankful, thankful that I don't have to be the voice today, I would no doubt be a voice in the wilderness.


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