Patmos Isle

The life of a Pastor, one who has been beaten and left to die by his own kind.

Location: Texas, United States

I consider myself as one that has seen the dark side of humanity and has lived to speak of it.

Wednesday, September 28, 2005

I don't

I don't want life anymore.

Sunday, September 25, 2005

Difficult Week

This last week has been a very difficult one. I have been speechless, and for a preacher that is like the splitting of the Red Sea.

It is like I have run out of things to say. It's like my heart is heavy, it is full and wants to cry out, yet it can't. I picture myself as a lamp that sits next to the wall outlet, it's cord laying next to it on the floor. Yet it has yet to be plugged in, I feel like that lamp.

As if there is something that needs to be said, yet for some weird reason it just won't come out. I don't think it is the shame of someone thinking less of me, I think by now, I have accomplished that. I think it is more of what I have failed to write or speak out that scares me the most.

This piece of me that has laid hidden and naked in the darkness, that if men could see they would not even bother trying to cover my shame, yet they would expose and shine a great light upon. This is where I cry for a brother. One that will come and cover my shame even when the wind has blown the blanket from me, this blanket of darkness.

I have shared with no one, I have yet to share with anyone what this blanket covers, I have yet to share with even them who have told me time and time again... "Let me in, let me in, let me in." Why, because I know how great a shame it will bring. I regret in saying that I have walked into the dark room of others and reached for the light to only find man scatter like a roach, and instead of reaching for the cover, I just talked about what the light had uncovered.

So I hide myself as usual, not knowing when I will scatter and reach for the cover.

Sunday, September 18, 2005

I guess it is no big surprise

If you have been a reader of this blogg you have found that it would not take very much for me to just disappear, to vanish, to start walking in a different direction and never be found.

It has troubled me countless times and has been of a great burden upon my life. I guess the greatest burden is the fact that I am "A Man of God", if anyone should have the answer, if anyone should have the peace, if anyone should have the "joy" it is the Pastor.

So this last week I join the rest of my family at my grandmothers house for those... "Oh Lord it is a family reunion" events! :) I sat among family, some I have not seen in several years, some that I wish I had not seen in several years.

It was while sitting at the table eating dessert that two of my cousins began to talk about a great uncle, who come home from work and was asked by his wife to go and get some "smokes" for the domino game that was going to be played that night with family and friends.

My great uncle leaves the house and vanishes, for 20 years he was not seen nor heard from, then one day my grandfather went into a cafe and there sitting in the booth next to the wall, was his brother, my great uncle. They spoke for just a moment, then my great uncle leaves and is not seen again for another 15 years, it was after that last encounter that he was never seen again.

The amazing thing, is that I was named after him and my grandmother who was now sitting at the table said to me..... When you were a baby, you could have passed for an identical twin in the baby pictures. I said... No Way!! They got the photo albums and although I would not say identical twins, however we could have passed easily as brothers if not father & son.

The journey home was very difficult for me I must add, all I could think of was how so many times as the sun has settled and another day has come to an end, how I have laid in my bed and dreamed of waking up with no one or nothing but maybe a few dollars in cash and my good looks! Time and time again, I have planned my escape, I have planned how I was going to never be found again.

It troubles me... It makes me wonder could there be this calling that only certain ones hear in the night? The night which calls us to just become ghosts, a face in a photo album, a story being recalled over cheese cake and coffee. I will say this and my honesty might be refreshing, yet I cannot keep it unto myself...

I am jealous.

Tuesday, September 13, 2005

Just a long thinking night

As time goes by my feelings become weaker....

I wonder Thomas, is this the begining of the end, or is this the begining of a future?

This is what bothers me and I seek the help of anyone that is not afraid to approach a Pastor (trust me, we do not know everything) Yet what bothers me is that I see no reason for this battle.

If I were to come out of this winter with a book on recovery I would understand it, If I were to come out of this barren land with the ability to somehow have knowledge to keep others from it, I would be thankful for it. Yet, I see NOTHING coming out of this place with me. I look behind me and either my eyes have grown so weak that I cannot see anyone following me out, or I have once again failed the mission once again.

You see the thing that scares me is how I change, the change that comes when survival mode is engaged. Only once was I blindsided by this uncircumcised Philistine. I can always hear his voice in the distance, and each time I tell myself, I put notes on doors and on the monitor screen, notes that only I can understand, yet they are notes that remind me... "This is for my good" "This mission is to find others and bring them out on the other side" "This will be for the Glory of God!"

I know he will think of me as a freak, yet I cannot help but say it. Thomas, well, he might be a stranger to me and us all, yet Thomas is a young man that has much to offer. I read his words and I think of how ignorant I am. Not stupid!! Just ignorant! He uses his time wisely, yes, he sometimes wants out of this cage, yet he has turned his cage into this palace of riches (knowledge). He can't see all of it, because he worries too much about the floor having spots, or the windows having streaks. :) :)

This is not about me wanting to be normal, this is not about me wanting everything to just be.... Ok! This is about me, wanting more out of life, even if life never allows me to color outside of the lines, I just want to be able to color.

Wednesday, September 07, 2005

I Failed

I had a friend, someone who I was doing my very best to pour my life into. Not that I think my life holds all the answers to life and it's struggles. I was just trying to be a friend. I don't have the courage to tell him the reason why I have not written or played a more active roll in his life. I just don't have the strength to be spiritual or even sound like much of one that loves the Lord.

I stood before about 50 people tonight, sharing with them the Word of our Lord and my mind left me, I could hear myself speaking, but I had NO idea what I was saying. My eyes looked upon them and they were all looking at me as if I was bringing about this amazing revelation, yet I could do good to only tell you about 15 minutes of the whole night.

I worry, I must admit.... I worry that I will be found out. That someone will somehow pick up on something I say on this blogg and they find some way of pointing the finger at me. I don't know what I would do if that happened, I think I would just walk away. I wonder if that is what needs to happen anyway, just walk away.

I pray, Lord thy will not mine. Yet I find myself leaning towards the door when I clearly hear Him tell me, just stay awhile, just sit down and breath. Why is it that I fear the most the idea that He would want to sit with me. I guess if I were honest it would be the fact that I don't think I would have the words to speak. I feel as if and I even notice in this blogg even tonight, how many times I have used the word "I" I mean, think about it, I fear His coming, because I fear He might want to talk about something other than what I have to say right now. I don't think I could hold a conversation with Him about anything else. Yet I feel so guilty for that. My lord, look around us, are there not more hurting than myself, are there not more in distress than myself, are there not more in a life of great loneliness than myself, and all I want to talk about is my small little place in society.

How weary He must be.

Sunday, September 04, 2005

Just a stranger

I find my bed in the early hours of a Sunday morning and awaken from it in what some would consider but just a few moments. It is then that I pull into the parking lot of a local coffee shop where when I arrive, the strangers who know me the least, all call me Pastor.

I go into their little shop with money in hand every Sunday and the lady smiles back at me and replies... "The Lord has bought your cup today" I know they do not go broke by one cup on a single day, so I buy my coffee beans from them, well I buy others coffee beans from them, I order mine from a different source, yet I would never tell them that.

I walked through the door, a little later this morning,no doubt even more so tired than the last, they noticed , they said... "We feared you would not come today"

It caught me by surprise and stopped me from going forward, there in the doorway I had to remove a tear from the crease of sorrow that is like a river bed, deep on my face. The ladies response, was a napkin at the counter and the squeeze of my hand.

I have never preached to any of them, I have never lead their loved ones to Christ. I have never buried their greatest treasures back into the earth where they had come from. I have never served them the blessed and holy sacrament. I have never sat across a table and comforted them over a son/daughter that is in jail for living a life that he/she was not raised to live. I have never had to tell them, God's ways we are not meant to understand, but by faith let us journey on. I have never had to tell them, the one they have spent the last 40 years with, is moving out of their life, because of a secretary, because of another dream. I have never squeezed her hand at the side of a casket. They know me as a Pastor, and I don't even recall telling them, I am not of the same faith as they believe.

I returned to my van to carry this cup of coffee into an office filled with sermons and messages that were put on paper so they could journey into places that man alone fears to go by themselves. Scribbled notes, from a heart that begged of the Father, "please give me the words, you see it was their 5 year old son". Notebooks and a computer hard drive that is filled with words of comfort, rebuke, peace, and joy. Yet all that have seen them and all that have heard them, has yet to squeeze my hand.

I wonder even now as I type this, maybe she is not a stranger.

Saturday, September 03, 2005

I was reading

This last week, I took time to just sit with a cup of tea and a lamp burning in my office and a book in my lap, and refresh myself with reading.

I was enjoying it way too much I suppose for it was then that truth jumped out at me and I wept at it's bitter sting...

"Your work and your life must go off the stage together"
William Gurnall

My plan was that I would give God the best years and He would give me the last years.

I said to Him just a few weeks ago, as my health turned back into a downward spin, I hope I pleased you these last 15 years. I heard no answer, but then what is new?

I sit in my office which is about to greatly change in but a few weeks, I sit behind this desk which I have treasured, and I sit here as if I were an old man, trying to find strength to come out of my chair. It was this last month that I have pleaded with Him, bring me relief... "Bring me sweet relief, by thy hand which can only do that which is right, please, bring me sweet relief." You see for I am only able to see my life exiting to the right of the stage, I cannot see of my work.

Many would say, how can you believe in a God, much less work for Him, this God who brings much pain? I can only respond, I just need to find where His grace is, I feel as if I can find that place, then work and life will exit gently.

Thursday, September 01, 2005

No Doubt

This has been I think the hardest month in a very long time. I can't even pretend to care, I can't even pretend to act like I want to be married or even in the ministry. I don't think I have ever come to this place of exhaustion before, in times past, I would be able to bounce back and at least have some kind of strength to draw from.

I feel as if a few months ago, I was throne into this well, an old abounded well. I knew at the time that I was going to get out of it, because I could see these steps on the side of the wall. Yet slowly as I tried to use each one of them, they would crumble in my hands. I then said to myself, well at least I am able to see the sun shining above me, and it was then that it turned night. I took courage and said, well this water that surrounds me will at least keep me from dying of thirst, it was then that the rains did come and now this water has become my source of fear, for it takes all my strength to keep a float.

Now I just want to let go and find myself at the bottom. All this time, I have lied to myself. You see I would say.... You are going only this far and then you will cry out for help, I had moved the mark so many times that I finally decided to just stop, it was easier than having to deal with the guilt of lying to myself.

I am sorry for those who read this blogg that my sorrow has overtaken my humor and ability to be a Great Man Of God. I think that maybe it is just time for me to find a back seat and let someone else be His mouthpiece.