Patmos Isle

The life of a Pastor, one who has been beaten and left to die by his own kind.

Location: Texas, United States

I consider myself as one that has seen the dark side of humanity and has lived to speak of it.

Wednesday, September 07, 2005

I Failed

I had a friend, someone who I was doing my very best to pour my life into. Not that I think my life holds all the answers to life and it's struggles. I was just trying to be a friend. I don't have the courage to tell him the reason why I have not written or played a more active roll in his life. I just don't have the strength to be spiritual or even sound like much of one that loves the Lord.

I stood before about 50 people tonight, sharing with them the Word of our Lord and my mind left me, I could hear myself speaking, but I had NO idea what I was saying. My eyes looked upon them and they were all looking at me as if I was bringing about this amazing revelation, yet I could do good to only tell you about 15 minutes of the whole night.

I worry, I must admit.... I worry that I will be found out. That someone will somehow pick up on something I say on this blogg and they find some way of pointing the finger at me. I don't know what I would do if that happened, I think I would just walk away. I wonder if that is what needs to happen anyway, just walk away.

I pray, Lord thy will not mine. Yet I find myself leaning towards the door when I clearly hear Him tell me, just stay awhile, just sit down and breath. Why is it that I fear the most the idea that He would want to sit with me. I guess if I were honest it would be the fact that I don't think I would have the words to speak. I feel as if and I even notice in this blogg even tonight, how many times I have used the word "I" I mean, think about it, I fear His coming, because I fear He might want to talk about something other than what I have to say right now. I don't think I could hold a conversation with Him about anything else. Yet I feel so guilty for that. My lord, look around us, are there not more hurting than myself, are there not more in distress than myself, are there not more in a life of great loneliness than myself, and all I want to talk about is my small little place in society.

How weary He must be.


Blogger Thomas Jackson said...

Relaxation is available. Have you tried Yoga? It's very good for the nerves; my brief experiences with it were very helpful.

I don't know who would spurn your friendship, but it sure as hell ain't me! You've got at least one friend who doesn't put friendship in a straightjacket: Me. I'd sit with you any time: I'd hang around with some good Genoa salami, and make sandwiches.

I've never been to one of your services, or heard one of your sermons, but if they have anything close to the honesty of your blog, or of our correspondence, you're on a very good track. I don't think being a clergyman requires perfection or even attempts at perfection; I think you posess the most important part: a willingness to listen as well as speak. Anyone can write a speech about God and have it come out sounding like roses; just ask any one of those phony TV evangelists. The crucial bit that seperates a genuine man of God isn't the sermon, it's humility.

Blessed are the meek, for they shall inherit the earth. Matthew 5:5.

If you need proof of your humility, just read the post that inspired this comment. You're awesome, you should remember that!

6:47 AM  

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