Patmos Isle

The life of a Pastor, one who has been beaten and left to die by his own kind.

Location: Texas, United States

I consider myself as one that has seen the dark side of humanity and has lived to speak of it.

Tuesday, September 13, 2005

Just a long thinking night

As time goes by my feelings become weaker....

I wonder Thomas, is this the begining of the end, or is this the begining of a future?

This is what bothers me and I seek the help of anyone that is not afraid to approach a Pastor (trust me, we do not know everything) Yet what bothers me is that I see no reason for this battle.

If I were to come out of this winter with a book on recovery I would understand it, If I were to come out of this barren land with the ability to somehow have knowledge to keep others from it, I would be thankful for it. Yet, I see NOTHING coming out of this place with me. I look behind me and either my eyes have grown so weak that I cannot see anyone following me out, or I have once again failed the mission once again.

You see the thing that scares me is how I change, the change that comes when survival mode is engaged. Only once was I blindsided by this uncircumcised Philistine. I can always hear his voice in the distance, and each time I tell myself, I put notes on doors and on the monitor screen, notes that only I can understand, yet they are notes that remind me... "This is for my good" "This mission is to find others and bring them out on the other side" "This will be for the Glory of God!"

I know he will think of me as a freak, yet I cannot help but say it. Thomas, well, he might be a stranger to me and us all, yet Thomas is a young man that has much to offer. I read his words and I think of how ignorant I am. Not stupid!! Just ignorant! He uses his time wisely, yes, he sometimes wants out of this cage, yet he has turned his cage into this palace of riches (knowledge). He can't see all of it, because he worries too much about the floor having spots, or the windows having streaks. :) :)

This is not about me wanting to be normal, this is not about me wanting everything to just be.... Ok! This is about me, wanting more out of life, even if life never allows me to color outside of the lines, I just want to be able to color.


Blogger Thomas Jackson said...

The way I see it, life is like a boxing match. As long as I behave how a fighter is supposed to behave, there's no shame in defeat or being knocked out. I will not quit on the stool. My corner can encourage me and look out for my safety when I am incapable of doing so, but the fight is mine: no one can fight for me, no matter how much he might want to.

7:01 PM  

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