Patmos Isle

The life of a Pastor, one who has been beaten and left to die by his own kind.

Name:
Location: Texas, United States

I consider myself as one that has seen the dark side of humanity and has lived to speak of it.

Friday, October 28, 2005

Leave Me Alone

I don't want to sound like I am in 6th grade, yet why won't these people leave me a lone.

You have done everything to destroy me, to ruin me, to make me out to be this pathetic person. So why do you want to keep tormenting and beating my cage with a stick?

What did I do to you? What did I not do to you? Why cant you just go away?

I have left you a lone.

I could have told everyone your secrets, I could have fought back and hit you below the belt. I could have crucified you, I could have ruined your name and caused other to point and laugh at you. Yet I chose to be kind, I chose to have sympathy.

I have made excuses for your actions and now I am out of excuses. People ask, they come and want to know what they should do. What should I tell them? I fear you have forced my hand to speak, yet my heart cries out for peace.

Now I need to know, I need to know God what shall I do? What shall I say? Will thou be angry with me if I speak? Will thou be disappointed with me if I tell? I have tried to understand your ways, and from the beginning I chose to bless rather than curse, I chose to pay the price to walk on the high road, yet I have not seen any reimbursement for my expense.

This trial has been costly and my life is at the place of being bankrupt, if I prayed like David, would you hear me? If I cried aloud like Elijah, would thou come down? If I fasted like Christ, would you visit me? Will you not respond?

They never cease to place more coal upon the fire that flickers with exhaustion. Please, I beg of you!!! Please, respond to me.

Wednesday, October 19, 2005

What?!?

I have been in a very confused place lately. As if there are 3 doors in front of me and each time I open one to go forward, each time there is something different behind each door. My mind is going non stop, it is as if one part is trying to convince the other.

Troubled on every side I sit here today, everything that I have found rest in, well it seems to slip further and further away from me. I sat in the office last night until early this morning, trying to find direction, trying to find any shred of peace that could possibly let me sleep.

It was then that I somehow or another changed my question. Many times throughout the day, I mumble the... Why?!? Yet last night, it turned into... What?!?

What do you want? What do you mean? What do you think you are trying to prove?!?

I then put my shoes back on and journeyed home. I almost thought there for a moment that me changing the question would change His answer, yet I got the same reply, His silence. I have never been one to go around bragging about what "God Said" I hear it often from others and I just think to myself. God has said more sense the bible was written than any other time in history. I wonder if what we think has been His voice, has been nothing more than our voice, has been nothing more than that of an imagination, that of having one two many pickles.

So, there is one thing that I do know.... I love Him, and I do not doubt His love for me.

Tuesday, October 18, 2005

That's a good cup

I am so enjoying my cup of coffee this morning. In the last several months it has been just this thing among many others things that have been on auto pilot.

My apologies to those who read along as I type. I have had nothing to say, I guess I should have taken that time to maybe write some of the truths that have been revealed to me through this time of suffering, yet it takes strength to do that.

I pray that what I am feeling now, will not last. It is a feeling of a very weighty weakness in my body. As if weakness has taken over, like a kid who has made his way into a mud hole. Did I mention that this cup of coffee is amazing?

Doing my very best to Look ahead this last week, I saw this glowing light, even now after all that time, I allowed my self to draw strength, thinking to myself that it was the sun, breaking forth for me a new day. Today I have arrived at it's spot and found that what I had seen, was but a fire, burning away the beauty that could have possibly inspired me.

May we all be found weak, so that He will but not have a choice to bring with Him, a greater measure of strength.

Friday, October 07, 2005

So far, Ok

Well here it is Friday, my mind filled with a 100 things that I did not do and that needs to be done, yet I failed to do them once again.

So far the week has been ok. I would say that I have had better ones, but in all honesty I can't remember right now past this last week. I am not exaggerating. There are weeks that I can remember a lot, then there are weeks that I can barely remember what I did the week before, then there are weeks that I could not even tell you what my wife's name is, without having to give it a great deal of thought.

It was almost 11 years ago, that I took the advice of a Dr. & took his pill, within 15 minutes, I could not even tell you my name. Sense then I have episodes that I will be driving down the highway or sitting at home or in the office and within a snap of a finger, I have no idea where I am at or what I am doing. It is very scary, all I can do is panic and then fear comes. It is scary, very very scary.

I have allowed myself this week to rest and sleep in and just nourish my body, both with good food and nice long showers and not let what others think or say, disturb me. I just hope I can stay this relaxed and rested going into Sunday services.

Well, that is my life as of right now, I hope that all is well and that each of you have a great weekend and holiday on Monday.

Sunday, October 02, 2005

16 Years

Well, I think I have finally come to the place that it just does not mean anything to me anymore.

16 years of ministry and the only time I would cancel a service is if, a family emergency.... Never to go eat at a place together and just have "fellowship" I mean, you preach 1st and then fellowship, not cancel service so you can fellowship.

Yet I did it, Amazing..... I guess I just no longer care, or maybe I do care, yet more about me right now, then about who I should be.

I know this... I am tired... Very tired... I could not have preached tonight, I know there should be some power that I should have tapped into, yet, I am wondering if the rope that is tied around my bucket, has become too short.

So, I sit here, wondering, have I done this to myself? Or has this just been allowed to happen. May thy Kingdom oh Lord, not be hindered by my weak flesh.