Patmos Isle

The life of a Pastor, one who has been beaten and left to die by his own kind.

Location: Texas, United States

I consider myself as one that has seen the dark side of humanity and has lived to speak of it.

Sunday, October 02, 2005

16 Years

Well, I think I have finally come to the place that it just does not mean anything to me anymore.

16 years of ministry and the only time I would cancel a service is if, a family emergency.... Never to go eat at a place together and just have "fellowship" I mean, you preach 1st and then fellowship, not cancel service so you can fellowship.

Yet I did it, Amazing..... I guess I just no longer care, or maybe I do care, yet more about me right now, then about who I should be.

I know this... I am tired... Very tired... I could not have preached tonight, I know there should be some power that I should have tapped into, yet, I am wondering if the rope that is tied around my bucket, has become too short.

So, I sit here, wondering, have I done this to myself? Or has this just been allowed to happen. May thy Kingdom oh Lord, not be hindered by my weak flesh.


Blogger Laurel Makepeace O'Keefe said...

Perhaps you are simply changing as a man, thus as a minister, evolving within,(yes,despite the pain and confusion-these always accompany real growth of any kind) The trouble is that your first reaction to any of these feelings is to berate yourself;if youre feeling doubt re how youve chosen/choose to live your life(thus far,that is...)
What i see is a man in (valid) flux, beginning in earnest to look at his life and himself with unabashed honesty, rather than running on auto-pilot as hed done for a good long time.Youve practiced to a fine art doing what is "expected" of you perhaps for so long that youve lost sight of who you really are.
Oh and interestingly,the proverbial '"they"-- that seem to dominate much of your anxieties,(as well as the rest of the world..) in the end,THEY might REALLY be....YOU,heaping superficially based expectations on yourself and your life-fitting your face nto a cookie cutter cut out of a what a minister should be should do....
Thinking of yourself as a weakling or hypocrite for feelings of emptiness and confusion is just plain ridiculous, and Ill bet if you were counseling someone about this exact situation, you would tell the sufferer to give himself a break, that he is being his own worst enemy!
Why dont you take a risk and be true to yourself ..incorperating the inner struggles that you have been having into your daily ministry Ive read over and over within your blog that if folks "only knew " this about you theyd be horrified and it would shake thier faith up etc,well im sorry but i strongly believe that your fear is most disproportionate with that reality.
In language of your choosing, you can take your experiences with all the inner conflict and confusion and struggle to re-discover your lost self,as an example of pain perpetuating change among many other things.

I would so much rather have a pastor that did this,rather than one who spent all of his already depleted energy on keeeping up a front of self-assuredness in all faith matters etc. Your utter humanness, your struggles, your self doubts, these all are things that your parish can relate to and with fervent prayer and committment you can take all of the aforementioned pain and trun it into some much needed change in your mwhole approach to your ministry.
Oh and about your descison to cancel your service, and have an informal fellowship gathering instead, kudos to you patmos! rather than denigrating yourself over that, you should be congradulating yourslef yes i know keep the humility in check at all times ...)but seriously sometimes you do need to give yourself credit for taking risks, trying new methods despite the anxiety involved-and this too shall pass....
I think its great that you begin to entertain a new way of defining thus acting upon, your fellowship-perhaps god is nudging you in a direction that he needs you in--ie in the trenches as it were truly among your/his people This is where a minister, priest etc. can really makes a difference rather than speaking AT them from a podium. W
Why dont you try to use this time of struggle and change to redefine the kind of minister that you want to be,hold on to your strengths of course, and once and for all turn your back on that niggling notion of following the "norm"
good luck,

11:02 AM  

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