Patmos Isle

The life of a Pastor, one who has been beaten and left to die by his own kind.

Name:
Location: Texas, United States

I consider myself as one that has seen the dark side of humanity and has lived to speak of it.

Saturday, November 26, 2005

Here I Sit!

WOW!!! I am sitting in this office for the very last time tonight. I will step down as Pastor, step down and away from a people that I have given my very life too, the last 6 years.

I walk away a different man. Well, honestly I walk away as not the same man at all. When the wife and I stepped out of the Ryder 6 years ago, I had somewhat of an idea of who I was. Today, I can't even tell you my weight. I looked in a mirror today as I brushed my teeth, it was like I had for the 1st time noticed that my hair had turned gray, my hands have turned weak, and my life has turned sour.

Yet, I can't help but know that I am leaving here a better person. I leave here a stronger person. I leave here a greater human being. Yes, I leave with scars, yet it is from those scars that I will become a genius. I leave with deep brokenness, yet it is from that brokenness that I will become a healer. I leave stooped over, with an amazing load of care, yet it will be from that, that I will help others to stand up straight.

You might be thinking.... He understands it now. No my friend, I do not. I do not understand how through weakness I will make others strong. Through suffering I will make others joyful. Through fear I will give others peace. I do NOT understand it.
Yet I guess the thing I have learned is... "I don't need to understand it"

So, I will boast in my weakness, so that others might see Him as strong. I will boast in my brokenness so others can be healed. I will boast in my affliction so that others too can trust the healer.

Saturday, November 19, 2005

The Shame

Well I sit in my office this Saturday night and as the hour before me has ticked away, I behold a new hour that will eventually lead to a new day. A new day passes and a new month is on our horizon, a new month leads into a new year and I can honestly say, I have no desire to face it.

I know that I will be told that I should not have any shame for where I am at, and that life has taken me here not by my choice, but by "His" will. I find it hard to believe that this is His will. His will that my Doctor who has so kindly treated me, who has brought me back from what I considered my physical death, bringing me back to only tell me that he has very little doubt in his great wisdom that I am not Bi-Polar. He said for a year I have treated you, for a year I have listened, for a year I have recorded these notes and each time you come, we have solved one problem but 20 are still in need of fixing, and he believes the biggest problem to fix now is my "Bi-Polar". My heart it functions better no doubt, not fixed, just patched, my blood pressure is not stable, but there is no hope without surgery for the very fast and VERY UNHEALTHY heart rate, we worked on the pain from having a bad surgeon from a very useless open heart surgery. We finally had me sleeping 3 maybe 4 nights out of the week, but now he honestly believe what is at the root of my problem. This Bi-Polar issue.

I should just accept it and take his medication, yet, how can I do such a thing? I know you will say, well you take your heard medication don't you? The answer is yes. Well you take your blood pressure medication don't you? The answer is yes. Well you take your chronic pain medication don't you? Again the answer is yes. Well you take your aspirin a day to keep from having a stroke don't you? Once again yes. So what is the difference? The difference, the difference?!? I know that I have heart trouble, I know that I have pain trouble, I know that I have blood pressure trouble, I know that I am a very high risk stroke patient. I have accepted them and have determined that I will live with them. I just can't accept the other.

I just can't accept the fact that there is something wrong with me that I could have prevented. I thought at the time that my dealing with horrible issues in life, were the best way to do it, now I realize I had just created a bigger problem. I realize that when I thought I was dealing with it, I was actually just throwing the baby up in the air trying to distract the child from a dirty diaper.

Sorry, poor illustration.

I am about to walk into a new life, a new day was suppose to be on my horizon, now it is just another day, another moment that is ruined by who I am.

Thursday, November 17, 2005

I am back, I think

Hello, and I hope this finds everyone doing good.

I was in the Dallas area for longer than expected, however it was a good thing I guess, it was closer to my Dr. visit and so I did not have to make 2 trips within a few days.

Yet the exhaustion of just going and doing caught up with me. I am a pitiful person, I barely have the ability to make a cup of coffee in the morning, well who am I kidding, when you finally get out of bed at 12:30, it is no longer morning.

My friend Thomas has been a great help this week, and I appreciate that. I have found him to be this night light in my life, comforting and authentic, thank you Thomas.

Well, I guess I need to finish what I started 3 weeks ago. Be good!

Wednesday, November 09, 2005

Gone

Well, I will be gone for a few days, trying to take care of my future.

See you when I get back.

Friday, November 04, 2005

The Brain Thing

Well here I sit again, in a deep fog of..."Where am I" No, this is not a spiritual thing (I think) it is a physical thing.

I go through spells in my life, sometimes more often than others, that I can't even tell you my name, much less where I am at or what I am doing. It is like my brain pulls over to a rest stop and gets out and stretch.

Driving down the road today, I had to pull over, so that I could not just remember where I was going, but so I could remember where I was at. I know it sounds weird and hard to believe, but trust me, it is real and it is very scary.

Went into a store, where I know just about everyone that works there, the cashier has been very good to me this last year, even though his lifestyle would not be accepted by my friends and more so by them that say they love Jesus. Standing there talking with him, I went blank, I had nothing, I knew nothing, I could not even tell you at that moment my very name. He noticed that something was wrong and quickly covered for me and not knowing a thing about my condition or anything else he pulled me away from everyone so that I could come back to earth.

It always ends with me standing in the midst of a lot of people or sitting in a parking lot, crying, scared, beyond scared, terrified. Now I just wish I could go away, forget everything and everyone.

Tuesday, November 01, 2005

What if?

I realize there are not very many that read this blogg and even less that know my history and what has brought me to this place in life.

So I write this, I think to just see it in written form.

What if I just left the ministry, well I don't think I would ever completely be out of "ministry", but step down from a very active roll in ministry?

I don't think anyone knows this, yet almost 16 years ago, I had but one passion, to be a Chef. I know, I know, it is kind of funny. However, I love to cook, I love to try new things, I love to entertain people. Now some 16 years later, I believe I am at the place again in life, that I either decide to continue in a work that has exhausted not just my body, but my relationship with my wife and also my relationship with the Lord.

I feel as if my feet are on the edge of a new beginning, and before me stands a new life, a new world, a new journey. I can either pursue that which I surrendered 16 years ago, or I can continue to do the very thing that has lead me to the end of who I am or actually who I thought I was.

What if I just left? Will I be cheating God or even more so, cheating myself?