Patmos Isle

The life of a Pastor, one who has been beaten and left to die by his own kind.

Location: Texas, United States

I consider myself as one that has seen the dark side of humanity and has lived to speak of it.

Saturday, November 19, 2005

The Shame

Well I sit in my office this Saturday night and as the hour before me has ticked away, I behold a new hour that will eventually lead to a new day. A new day passes and a new month is on our horizon, a new month leads into a new year and I can honestly say, I have no desire to face it.

I know that I will be told that I should not have any shame for where I am at, and that life has taken me here not by my choice, but by "His" will. I find it hard to believe that this is His will. His will that my Doctor who has so kindly treated me, who has brought me back from what I considered my physical death, bringing me back to only tell me that he has very little doubt in his great wisdom that I am not Bi-Polar. He said for a year I have treated you, for a year I have listened, for a year I have recorded these notes and each time you come, we have solved one problem but 20 are still in need of fixing, and he believes the biggest problem to fix now is my "Bi-Polar". My heart it functions better no doubt, not fixed, just patched, my blood pressure is not stable, but there is no hope without surgery for the very fast and VERY UNHEALTHY heart rate, we worked on the pain from having a bad surgeon from a very useless open heart surgery. We finally had me sleeping 3 maybe 4 nights out of the week, but now he honestly believe what is at the root of my problem. This Bi-Polar issue.

I should just accept it and take his medication, yet, how can I do such a thing? I know you will say, well you take your heard medication don't you? The answer is yes. Well you take your blood pressure medication don't you? The answer is yes. Well you take your chronic pain medication don't you? Again the answer is yes. Well you take your aspirin a day to keep from having a stroke don't you? Once again yes. So what is the difference? The difference, the difference?!? I know that I have heart trouble, I know that I have pain trouble, I know that I have blood pressure trouble, I know that I am a very high risk stroke patient. I have accepted them and have determined that I will live with them. I just can't accept the other.

I just can't accept the fact that there is something wrong with me that I could have prevented. I thought at the time that my dealing with horrible issues in life, were the best way to do it, now I realize I had just created a bigger problem. I realize that when I thought I was dealing with it, I was actually just throwing the baby up in the air trying to distract the child from a dirty diaper.

Sorry, poor illustration.

I am about to walk into a new life, a new day was suppose to be on my horizon, now it is just another day, another moment that is ruined by who I am.


Blogger Angel O' Mint said...


This has little to do with your journal entry... though I think your perspectives and your story are incredible and pure... and I pray for you and for strength for you.

Your ability to lay it straight and tell people the truth of the lords work is incredible... and I need to thank you for something. I bet you know that Peculiar Mormon told me he didn't want any prayers or fasting from me anymore. And, to my own fault, I've obliged... However, I want to thank you for counciling him... for talking to him and, if you are, for praying for him... I may be completely off on this, but I have no trust that his other friends worry and pray for him as much as they should... so it's good to hear teachings from someone... So Thank you.. thank you for speaking what I am not allowed to say.

Please take care of yourself... your life is connected to many... and in subtle ways you will change the world... and believe me when I say... every change you being will not be forgotten by the lord... it is your glories he will remember... not just your folies.

Loving and Caring Always,

3:51 AM  

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