Patmos Isle

The life of a Pastor, one who has been beaten and left to die by his own kind.

Location: Texas, United States

I consider myself as one that has seen the dark side of humanity and has lived to speak of it.

Monday, January 30, 2006

Why not now?!?

I know the last 11 years of marriage has not been the best. Seriously there have been many many times what I have wondered if she is not the cause of so many problems. She is never happy, she never has much of anything good to say, she always wants what she wants and thinks nothing about tomorrow.

I know I am not perfect, I know that I am not this "Man of the Hour" However I can honestly say that my imperfections are buried by who she is. There was a time that I said these things and I would always end with.... But I love her! Yet, I am having a very hard time tonight even wanting to look at her.

If you read this blogg you know that we have recently had this MAJOR change in our lives and ministry, it has been difficult, it has been an added stress. The ministry part is just amazing, I am loving it, meeting people, talking with people, making new friends, doing the politic side of ministry I guess is what I am doing. Yet every hand I go to shake, every step I want to take is questioned and then the shake of the head, that is saying... "Well that is a waste"

For SIX weeks now I have been surrounded by SIX people that know not one kind word, or kind comment. Everything is not good enough, nothing can just be good, there has to be something wrong with EVERYTHING!!! No matter how I brag on something and point out all of it's positive things, just about everyone of them have a negative comment. The wife for the last TWO weeks has yet to say one kind word to me, everything is meant to destroy, everything is meant to push a fork in and twist a little bit.

You are wondering what the title of this post has to do with the story... Well, here is my honesty! Why not now have a stroke and die! My blood pressure is perfect for such a thing... 195/145 heart rate 129. I mean I could understand why He has not allowed it up to this point, I mean, the wife was 8 hours away from family, but now we are just minutes away..... Why not now!!!! I just want to die, I honestly could care less about what God has for me, I could honestly care less of what God wants to do through me. I am of the most miserable men and I just want to die.

Monday, January 09, 2006


Well I cut work off a few minutes early so that I could do a post.

I have one question that goes over and over in my mind, yet it's source is my heart.

The question.... Today?

It is no secret, the wife and I and our little girl (yorkie) have made no doubt one of them most drastic moves in our life. We gave up a gold mind, in search of a diamond mind, not for our wealth, but for the Kingdom. We have no regrets, in all honesty I should have done it 2 years ago, but I just pushed it away and called it selfishness.

A new day, a new hour, a new moment, does not bring answers to all the question we asked yesterday, the last hour, or even just a moment ago, I have found that it only brings about new questions or in this case... Question.

The question... Today?

Yet for some reason it is not a question of doubt, but of anticipation, that in itself is worth all the gold. (I heard that all the gold in California was in a bank in the middle of Beverly Hills under someone else's name) (ok, bad joke)

I have found again the excitement of the question... Today? For you see, for so long it was not a question it was a statement and not just a statement but that of desperation. It use to read... TODAY!!!! Now it reads... Today? You see before, it come from exhaustion, today it comes from faith. Yesterday it come from frustration, today it comes from expectation.

I found that God might not changer your question, yet He will change your punctuation.