Patmos Isle

The life of a Pastor, one who has been beaten and left to die by his own kind.

Location: Texas, United States

I consider myself as one that has seen the dark side of humanity and has lived to speak of it.

Monday, January 30, 2006

Why not now?!?

I know the last 11 years of marriage has not been the best. Seriously there have been many many times what I have wondered if she is not the cause of so many problems. She is never happy, she never has much of anything good to say, she always wants what she wants and thinks nothing about tomorrow.

I know I am not perfect, I know that I am not this "Man of the Hour" However I can honestly say that my imperfections are buried by who she is. There was a time that I said these things and I would always end with.... But I love her! Yet, I am having a very hard time tonight even wanting to look at her.

If you read this blogg you know that we have recently had this MAJOR change in our lives and ministry, it has been difficult, it has been an added stress. The ministry part is just amazing, I am loving it, meeting people, talking with people, making new friends, doing the politic side of ministry I guess is what I am doing. Yet every hand I go to shake, every step I want to take is questioned and then the shake of the head, that is saying... "Well that is a waste"

For SIX weeks now I have been surrounded by SIX people that know not one kind word, or kind comment. Everything is not good enough, nothing can just be good, there has to be something wrong with EVERYTHING!!! No matter how I brag on something and point out all of it's positive things, just about everyone of them have a negative comment. The wife for the last TWO weeks has yet to say one kind word to me, everything is meant to destroy, everything is meant to push a fork in and twist a little bit.

You are wondering what the title of this post has to do with the story... Well, here is my honesty! Why not now have a stroke and die! My blood pressure is perfect for such a thing... 195/145 heart rate 129. I mean I could understand why He has not allowed it up to this point, I mean, the wife was 8 hours away from family, but now we are just minutes away..... Why not now!!!! I just want to die, I honestly could care less about what God has for me, I could honestly care less of what God wants to do through me. I am of the most miserable men and I just want to die.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

Please buy your wife this book...
Created to be his help meet by Debi Pearl.
This couple has an awesome ministry. When I read her book it put me in my place and my husband has been treated like a king ever since and I know it saved our marriage.

3:38 PM  

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