Patmos Isle

The life of a Pastor, one who has been beaten and left to die by his own kind.

Location: Texas, United States

I consider myself as one that has seen the dark side of humanity and has lived to speak of it.

Monday, March 27, 2006

Slipping Away

I feel it taking place.... I know it is happening... I see myself falling to a lower level.

I do everything I know to "keep the faith" yet, for some reason, there is this force that for some reason is greater than He who I have felt for so long living inside of me. I feel as if I have put the fibers of the rope left at the tip of my fingers and though I want to hang on, I also just want to let go.

This wrestling has cost me more than a limp as I was hoping for, so that I could be a Jacob-ite... It has cost me my strength, it has cost me my hope, it has cost me my very ability to believe that something could come for good. I no longer even desire for good, I no longer even think of what good could be.

I left comment on my friends blogg the other night.... I feel as if darkness has taken over. Death haunts me, not my death, it is not the sword that strikes me, yet it is the sword that strikes others. I sit and my mind wonders about the death of others, how I expected them to die, where I would be when the word would come to me that they had die, what my response would be to their death and even to the point of what I would pick out for them to be buried in. I don't understand it and honestly I fear to think about it, I fear that by thinking of it, it will lead me but further down the dark river and right now I don't have a paddle to go back upstream with and even more so, if I did have a paddle, I don't have the strength.

As I type this even now, my stomach, my heart, my spirit churns with this sour feeling, this feeling as if I could vomit.