Patmos Isle

The life of a Pastor, one who has been beaten and left to die by his own kind.

Name:
Location: Texas, United States

I consider myself as one that has seen the dark side of humanity and has lived to speak of it.

Monday, April 24, 2006

It Hurts

I have known pain in my life, I wonder sometimes if it was not my twin that was separated at birth. The pain of sickness, the pain of torture, the pain of trouble. Yet I think the greatest pain is that of separation. When you know it is time to say good-bye to things. Things that you have invested in, and I am not speaking of some stock symbol, but to things that we call friends.... Humanity.

As a Pastor/Minister/Missionary one does not have very many friends, if one does they are often of the same faith and of the same occupation. It is a rare thing to find a friend that does not know who you are or what you do and the only thing they really care about in life is you, not if you pray 3 times day or how often you fast.

I have a friend such as that... I have a friend that would not mind if I told him what I did for a living, but that is not of his interest, he just wants to be a friend, he just wants to be apart of my life, he just wants to say hi. However over the last year his friendship has become that of a hindrance to who I am suppose to be and what I am suppose to be about. Some would say, hey just manage your time better, just learn to say no, just learn to hide out from this person. I wish it was that easy, I wish I could just not call, I wish I could just not instant message, I wish I could just not be around. However, that is not me. You see friendship is a very very very very very rare item in my life and I think I know now why it is, because I have in some weird way of making it a very unhealthy thing. The friend becomes more important to me than anything else in life (marriage,family,ministry,morals) I realize it is because I am weak, and I see that and I wish I could do something about that. Yet I have failed once again trying that, I have failed once again trying to balance this thing called friendship.

I guess what I am getting at is simple... What hurts is the fact that I have a gold mind, yet the love for it, is truly the root of all evil.

Monday, April 17, 2006

Oh To Suffer

Out of nowhere today two very interesting moments in life come rushing back to me and I cannot help but wonder, how, if possible it could be true.

I was but a child, having moved in with my grandparents, loving them in a way that only an 8 year old could (with everything he could). I remember kneeling down in the bathroom, kneeling at the toilet and with everything that was in me crying out that God would make me sick so that the hole in my grandmothers heart would get better. Today, I suffer daily with a sick heart, medication on a good day keeps me out of bed.

This second memory, I was young, but older than 8. I remember my mother holding her hands and crying and telling me when I asked, that she has arthritis and she suffers with it often. I remember praying.... God, please, put it on me, so that my mother wont hurt anymore. Today I can barely rest at night, from hands that ache and are so tender and sore.

How these two things come back to me today, I guess that part of my mind opened and let them spill out. How odd and I know those who read will say... Patmos, you are crazy!!! Maybe I am, yet I cannot stop thinking..... How odd

Sunday, April 16, 2006

The Sun

We are always seeking for the rising of that which carries with it the ability to expose flaws.

I wonder if we have searched for the wrong thing.... If we have pleaded for that which was meant to expose our ugliness.

No doubt, darkness has it's fears, yet even more so it has this amazing power, the power to hide our flaws.

I think we should be a people that realize we are not fit for light. We should reach for darkness as a naked youth reaches for a towel when mom forgets to knock before entering the bathroom.

Sitting by the lake this week, I come to a conclusion.... It is prettier at night. To see it's beauty during the day, one must close their eyes and just enjoy the sound of the water that makes it way upon the shore. Yet at night, you can stand at the waters edge with eyes wide open, the moon looking down and the darkness hiding the trash and waste that careless people have thrown from their boats.

So why is it that we plead for light? Why is it that we beg of Him to give us some ray of brightness, do we think we are worth being seen? Do we think that we have something that is worth others looking upon? I think maybe it is because we no longer trust the night. We hear of the evils that are done under the cover of darkness and now we fear that which could be more of a benefit to us than any new suit of clothing could ever do.

Maybe there are those (including me) that were groomed for darkness? Maybe there are those (including me) that were knitted in the womb of our mothers to never be seen, maybe heard, but never seen. Maybe at our conception even the moon was hidden by the clouds of a storm. Our creator might of had in mind that we be the children of darkness, that we be the people who roam among graveyards and harvest fields under the light of our moon.

As I write this, I am beginning to wonder... Am I a child who is to labor in the field when no one looks, so that there might be food on the table for them who work in the day. Is it my job to rob of the cornfields under the light of this dim star, so that those who labor by the sun will be nourished for their day. Have I missed my calling, because it seemed unfair? Have I missed my duty, because I was jealous? Are there children of darkness? Are there those who must work while it is night so the children of day can boast and take their trophies?

Have I failed Him, because I thought He had lost me? Have I failed Him, because I thought He was just teasing me? Have I failed Him, because what I thought was His failure, was actually His trusting me?

Monday, April 10, 2006

Not Today...

Well, I thought today it might end. I thought today haven awakened again on the bottom, that somewhere, somehow, somehow, this season would come to an end and things would change. Yet sitting at the lunch table, I realized it is just another day, a day that is at it's end.

Have you ever wanted to speak.... Yet there is just NOTHING that you can even say much less think. I sat at the table, my hot pocket, some pringels and I can only pray that the lady sitting next to me did not ask me anything nor speak with me, cause I am sure that I did not say a word to her, I remember looking over at her, but that was it. The only thing I recall is thinking to myself, how stupid I would look if someone come in and found me under the table eating my lunch, yet that is the only place I really wanted to be.

Maybe someone will understand what I am wanting to say... Have you ever had a secret, that you just wanted to run to a private place and scream out as loud as you could? That is how I feel... As if I have this secret, as if I have this information that NO ONE else knows and NO ONE else could ever know, yet I just have to tell it because the burden of it is so GREAT. The only thing.... I don't know what the secret is. As if it is this sorrow that sits at the back of your throat, you might not understand this, yet it is that sorrow that just wants to come busting out, yet, you suppress it, yet it just hangs there. Well, I guess that is how I kind of feel.

Sunday, April 09, 2006

Thinking

Maybe tomorrow will be the end.

Wednesday, April 05, 2006

Naked

Well here I sit in this room with the computer screen becoming the only light in the room and honestly wondering if it is the only light that I have in my life. I would say something about the darkness of my loneliness yet I think I have expressed myself before on the issue. I would express the suffering of words not only spoken, yet words not spoken by them who said they were among my friends, yet again, I have spoken of this.

I have though come to a place of nakedness, there was a time that I used the above as my excuses for my misery. Now, now, I just don't care to even offer up an excuse. I am who I am, a man standing in the midst of life in darkness that cannot be described from even the greatest authors. This darkness that has not caused me to stand still in fear of falling nor caused me to remain silent so none could find me, yet a darkness that has taken from me all sense of direction and fear of being seen. So I have taken from my body the garments of excuses and now I stand here naked. Naked to the world that I cannot even see, naked to a people that cannot even be heard, naked to a God in whom I have wondered if He laughs with pleasure.

Do you laugh at my form oh God? Do you laugh at my weakened frame? I was told that you dance over me with gladness, yet I wonder if you only roll on the floor with laughter. Do you point and mock me among the others? Do you find amusement when I stumble over broken pieces that surround me? Did you shake your finger and turn your nose when I stopped by the stream of failure?

As I walked through the open field the other day, and walked under the trees that are blooming at your command, I thought I smelt you, I thought for a moment I captured a moment of your fragrance, did you watch me as I stood silently expecting you to just say hi. I know I am being childish, I know that I should be more so mature, however I wonder if I am the one who stared this game of hide and seek. I don't recall asking to play.