Patmos Isle

The life of a Pastor, one who has been beaten and left to die by his own kind.

Location: Texas, United States

I consider myself as one that has seen the dark side of humanity and has lived to speak of it.

Wednesday, August 30, 2006


This post is not for you Mr. Jackson. :)

I wish I knew of another word to use. I wish I knew of another phrase to give. I wish I knew of another way to scream....SAVE ME!!! Yet for some reason every word that I have spoken to Him, He has ignored.

I know that there will be them that will say.... "Preacher the Lord never forsakes us?" Then why did His Son cry out.... "Why has Thou forsaken me?" I know I am not perfect and I know I could list a thousand reasons why He would forsake me, yet I just expected more from Him I guess.

I must stop this beating my head against the wall, I must stop this searching my soul, I must stop this non-stop wondering if today He will take me off of this cross and bury me.

You would think there would be mercy for me. You would think that He would have removed me from the cross before the birds of the air have come to eat my rotting flesh. Where is thy mercy? Where is thy grace? Where is MY hope!!! How can there be hope for everyone else but me? How can there be mercy for everyone else but me? What have I done that has caused thy anger to burn so hot against my face? What must I do so that you can realize how desperate I am.

Why have you caused even the hearts of man to turn from me? Why have you removed my name from the lips of men and my spirit from the hearts of thy servants? Is this what you do with them that have given you their lives, is this what you do with them that have given everything to the call? Is this my reward? Is this my crown?

I have kept silent because I thought you were trying to speak and I was just talking to much to hear you. Now I have learned that not even my silence gives you opportunity to speak. What must I do, where must I go? Why won't you answer me....

You asked of me... Who will I send? I responded.... Send I!!!! Now I am asking you... When will this end?!? Speak to me or seal up your heavens and do away with me! Speak to me or remove me from this land of the living, and let me be buried with them that have gone on before me.

Monday, August 21, 2006

I wish I knew what to say

God, I wish I knew what to say right now. I have never in my life felt so alone, so afraid, so scared, so forgotten!!!

I have been silent, not because I have been busy, but because I have been silent. I got tired of hearing myself say the same dam thing over and over. I got tired of hearing myself speak, so I put my hand over my mouth and I only speak when I have too. I speak not to family, friends, loved ones, not even my precious little girl (yorkie)

I have nothing left to say, I have cried out in the room full of people and no one cared to listen, I cried out in the forest and no one cared to come, I cared out in the storm and yet everyone remained inside. So I have just stopped crying and honestly I think I have just stopped caring.

I wish now more than ever to be just left alone, I know this sounds horrible, yet there was a day that I thought I would just run away, leave everyone and everything and just vanish. Now I only have the strength to wish that everyone would just leave me, just walk away, just leave me to myself.