Patmos Isle

Forsaken

2006-08-30T18:33:00.000-07:00

This post is not for you Mr. Jackson. :)

I wish I knew of another word to use. I wish I knew of another phrase to give. I wish I knew of another way to scream....SAVE ME!!! Yet for some reason every word that I have spoken to Him, He has ignored.

I know that there will be them that will say.... "Preacher the Lord never forsakes us?" Then why did His Son cry out.... "Why has Thou forsaken me?" I know I am not perfect and I know I could list a thousand reasons why He would forsake me, yet I just expected more from Him I guess.

I must stop this beating my head against the wall, I must stop this searching my soul, I must stop this non-stop wondering if today He will take me off of this cross and bury me.

You would think there would be mercy for me. You would think that He would have removed me from the cross before the birds of the air have come to eat my rotting flesh. Where is thy mercy? Where is thy grace? Where is MY hope!!! How can there be hope for everyone else but me? How can there be mercy for everyone else but me? What have I done that has caused thy anger to burn so hot against my face? What must I do so that you can realize how desperate I am.

Why have you caused even the hearts of man to turn from me? Why have you removed my name from the lips of men and my spirit from the hearts of thy servants? Is this what you do with them that have given you their lives, is this what you do with them that have given everything to the call? Is this my reward? Is this my crown?

I have kept silent because I thought you were trying to speak and I was just talking to much to hear you. Now I have learned that not even my silence gives you opportunity to speak. What must I do, where must I go? Why won't you answer me....

You asked of me... Who will I send? I responded.... Send I!!!! Now I am asking you... When will this end?!? Speak to me or seal up your heavens and do away with me! Speak to me or remove me from this land of the living, and let me be buried with them that have gone on before me.

I wish I knew what to say

2006-08-21T18:28:00.000-07:00

God, I wish I knew what to say right now. I have never in my life felt so alone, so afraid, so scared, so forgotten!!!

I have been silent, not because I have been busy, but because I have been silent. I got tired of hearing myself say the same dam thing over and over. I got tired of hearing myself speak, so I put my hand over my mouth and I only speak when I have too. I speak not to family, friends, loved ones, not even my precious little girl (yorkie)

I have nothing left to say, I have cried out in the room full of people and no one cared to listen, I cried out in the forest and no one cared to come, I cared out in the storm and yet everyone remained inside. So I have just stopped crying and honestly I think I have just stopped caring.

I wish now more than ever to be just left alone, I know this sounds horrible, yet there was a day that I thought I would just run away, leave everyone and everything and just vanish. Now I only have the strength to wish that everyone would just leave me, just walk away, just leave me to myself.

Weight

2006-06-10T16:13:00.000-07:00

I feel this ton of weight on me. It is sucking the life right out of my living. My purpose has become how can I hide, where can I go that no one will find me. I feel like a dog that is about to go off and just die somewhere. Somewhere away from home, somewhere away from others, somewhere away from them that deep down inside he knows that he cares about, but for some reason right now, cannot find love for them.

I wish I could explain it. Sex has never been better, but even sex becomes just another reason to take your hat off.

I need to scream, I need to yell at the top of my lungs, yet two things keep me from it. One, I know that someone will hear & Two, I dont know what I would scream. Oh, I repent, I know what I would scream and I guess the thing that keeps me from screaming is, well, refer back to # 1.

Where did she go?

2006-05-20T22:35:00.000-07:00

I think that I have discovered there is yet a far greater fear to failure than the fear of being found in your failure, it is the fear that you no longer feel sorrow for your failure!!!

There was a day that I wept myself dry when I had taken the hand of sin and walked down her dark alley. Yet tonight, there is no sorrow. There is no weeping. There is only the relief that I have once again taken her hand. (I guess I should make it clear that I use the word "her" not as in a person but just in reference to sin.)

I wonder now, I honestly wonder, have I married her? Have I danced with her for so long that now she is apart of my life and will be accepted by me? What has happened to the hot bitter salty tears that once run down my face and managed to somehow find the tip of my tongue? What has happened to the sorrow? What has happened to the grief? What has happened to the crying out... "Never again Father, Never again!!"?

Maybe my eyes have adjusted to her darkness? Maybe my eyes have grown blind? Maybe my eyes have been opened and now I have come to acceptance? Was it ever wrong or was it a trade of religion?

Could it be that religion kept me from an act of innocence? Could it be that my great sorrow was condemnation of man's agenda and mans label of sin?

Whatever it is, I must say... I am concerned, yet my mind races...."What if this is just another battle of condemnation?"

It Hurts

2006-04-24T19:04:00.000-07:00

I have known pain in my life, I wonder sometimes if it was not my twin that was separated at birth. The pain of sickness, the pain of torture, the pain of trouble. Yet I think the greatest pain is that of separation. When you know it is time to say good-bye to things. Things that you have invested in, and I am not speaking of some stock symbol, but to things that we call friends.... Humanity.

As a Pastor/Minister/Missionary one does not have very many friends, if one does they are often of the same faith and of the same occupation. It is a rare thing to find a friend that does not know who you are or what you do and the only thing they really care about in life is you, not if you pray 3 times day or how often you fast.

I have a friend such as that... I have a friend that would not mind if I told him what I did for a living, but that is not of his interest, he just wants to be a friend, he just wants to be apart of my life, he just wants to say hi. However over the last year his friendship has become that of a hindrance to who I am suppose to be and what I am suppose to be about. Some would say, hey just manage your time better, just learn to say no, just learn to hide out from this person. I wish it was that easy, I wish I could just not call, I wish I could just not instant message, I wish I could just not be around. However, that is not me. You see friendship is a very very very very very rare item in my life and I think I know now why it is, because I have in some weird way of making it a very unhealthy thing. The friend becomes more important to me than anything else in life (marriage,family,ministry,morals) I realize it is because I am weak, and I see that and I wish I could do something about that. Yet I have failed once again trying that, I have failed once again trying to balance this thing called friendship.

I guess what I am getting at is simple... What hurts is the fact that I have a gold mind, yet the love for it, is truly the root of all evil.

Oh To Suffer

2006-04-17T17:35:00.000-07:00

Out of nowhere today two very interesting moments in life come rushing back to me and I cannot help but wonder, how, if possible it could be true.

I was but a child, having moved in with my grandparents, loving them in a way that only an 8 year old could (with everything he could). I remember kneeling down in the bathroom, kneeling at the toilet and with everything that was in me crying out that God would make me sick so that the hole in my grandmothers heart would get better. Today, I suffer daily with a sick heart, medication on a good day keeps me out of bed.

This second memory, I was young, but older than 8. I remember my mother holding her hands and crying and telling me when I asked, that she has arthritis and she suffers with it often. I remember praying.... God, please, put it on me, so that my mother wont hurt anymore. Today I can barely rest at night, from hands that ache and are so tender and sore.

How these two things come back to me today, I guess that part of my mind opened and let them spill out. How odd and I know those who read will say... Patmos, you are crazy!!! Maybe I am, yet I cannot stop thinking..... How odd

The Sun

2006-04-16T19:35:00.000-07:00

We are always seeking for the rising of that which carries with it the ability to expose flaws.

I wonder if we have searched for the wrong thing.... If we have pleaded for that which was meant to expose our ugliness.

No doubt, darkness has it's fears, yet even more so it has this amazing power, the power to hide our flaws.

I think we should be a people that realize we are not fit for light. We should reach for darkness as a naked youth reaches for a towel when mom forgets to knock before entering the bathroom.

Sitting by the lake this week, I come to a conclusion.... It is prettier at night. To see it's beauty during the day, one must close their eyes and just enjoy the sound of the water that makes it way upon the shore. Yet at night, you can stand at the waters edge with eyes wide open, the moon looking down and the darkness hiding the trash and waste that careless people have thrown from their boats.

So why is it that we plead for light? Why is it that we beg of Him to give us some ray of brightness, do we think we are worth being seen? Do we think that we have something that is worth others looking upon? I think maybe it is because we no longer trust the night. We hear of the evils that are done under the cover of darkness and now we fear that which could be more of a benefit to us than any new suit of clothing could ever do.

Maybe there are those (including me) that were groomed for darkness? Maybe there are those (including me) that were knitted in the womb of our mothers to never be seen, maybe heard, but never seen. Maybe at our conception even the moon was hidden by the clouds of a storm. Our creator might of had in mind that we be the children of darkness, that we be the people who roam among graveyards and harvest fields under the light of our moon.

As I write this, I am beginning to wonder... Am I a child who is to labor in the field when no one looks, so that there might be food on the table for them who work in the day. Is it my job to rob of the cornfields under the light of this dim star, so that those who labor by the sun will be nourished for their day. Have I missed my calling, because it seemed unfair? Have I missed my duty, because I was jealous? Are there children of darkness? Are there those who must work while it is night so the children of day can boast and take their trophies?

Have I failed Him, because I thought He had lost me? Have I failed Him, because I thought He was just teasing me? Have I failed Him, because what I thought was His failure, was actually His trusting me?

Not Today...

2006-04-10T18:28:00.000-07:00

Well, I thought today it might end. I thought today haven awakened again on the bottom, that somewhere, somehow, somehow, this season would come to an end and things would change. Yet sitting at the lunch table, I realized it is just another day, a day that is at it's end.

Have you ever wanted to speak.... Yet there is just NOTHING that you can even say much less think. I sat at the table, my hot pocket, some pringels and I can only pray that the lady sitting next to me did not ask me anything nor speak with me, cause I am sure that I did not say a word to her, I remember looking over at her, but that was it. The only thing I recall is thinking to myself, how stupid I would look if someone come in and found me under the table eating my lunch, yet that is the only place I really wanted to be.

Maybe someone will understand what I am wanting to say... Have you ever had a secret, that you just wanted to run to a private place and scream out as loud as you could? That is how I feel... As if I have this secret, as if I have this information that NO ONE else knows and NO ONE else could ever know, yet I just have to tell it because the burden of it is so GREAT. The only thing.... I don't know what the secret is. As if it is this sorrow that sits at the back of your throat, you might not understand this, yet it is that sorrow that just wants to come busting out, yet, you suppress it, yet it just hangs there. Well, I guess that is how I kind of feel.

Thinking

2006-04-09T21:20:00.000-07:00

Maybe tomorrow will be the end.

Naked

2006-04-05T20:17:00.000-07:00

Well here I sit in this room with the computer screen becoming the only light in the room and honestly wondering if it is the only light that I have in my life. I would say something about the darkness of my loneliness yet I think I have expressed myself before on the issue. I would express the suffering of words not only spoken, yet words not spoken by them who said they were among my friends, yet again, I have spoken of this.

I have though come to a place of nakedness, there was a time that I used the above as my excuses for my misery. Now, now, I just don't care to even offer up an excuse. I am who I am, a man standing in the midst of life in darkness that cannot be described from even the greatest authors. This darkness that has not caused me to stand still in fear of falling nor caused me to remain silent so none could find me, yet a darkness that has taken from me all sense of direction and fear of being seen. So I have taken from my body the garments of excuses and now I stand here naked. Naked to the world that I cannot even see, naked to a people that cannot even be heard, naked to a God in whom I have wondered if He laughs with pleasure.

Do you laugh at my form oh God? Do you laugh at my weakened frame? I was told that you dance over me with gladness, yet I wonder if you only roll on the floor with laughter. Do you point and mock me among the others? Do you find amusement when I stumble over broken pieces that surround me? Did you shake your finger and turn your nose when I stopped by the stream of failure?

As I walked through the open field the other day, and walked under the trees that are blooming at your command, I thought I smelt you, I thought for a moment I captured a moment of your fragrance, did you watch me as I stood silently expecting you to just say hi. I know I am being childish, I know that I should be more so mature, however I wonder if I am the one who stared this game of hide and seek. I don't recall asking to play.

Slipping Away

2006-03-27T17:59:00.000-08:00

I feel it taking place.... I know it is happening... I see myself falling to a lower level.

I do everything I know to "keep the faith" yet, for some reason, there is this force that for some reason is greater than He who I have felt for so long living inside of me. I feel as if I have put the fibers of the rope left at the tip of my fingers and though I want to hang on, I also just want to let go.

This wrestling has cost me more than a limp as I was hoping for, so that I could be a Jacob-ite... It has cost me my strength, it has cost me my hope, it has cost me my very ability to believe that something could come for good. I no longer even desire for good, I no longer even think of what good could be.

I left comment on my friends blogg the other night.... I feel as if darkness has taken over. Death haunts me, not my death, it is not the sword that strikes me, yet it is the sword that strikes others. I sit and my mind wonders about the death of others, how I expected them to die, where I would be when the word would come to me that they had die, what my response would be to their death and even to the point of what I would pick out for them to be buried in. I don't understand it and honestly I fear to think about it, I fear that by thinking of it, it will lead me but further down the dark river and right now I don't have a paddle to go back upstream with and even more so, if I did have a paddle, I don't have the strength.

As I type this even now, my stomach, my heart, my spirit churns with this sour feeling, this feeling as if I could vomit.

Why not now?!?

2006-01-30T15:17:00.000-08:00

I know the last 11 years of marriage has not been the best. Seriously there have been many many times what I have wondered if she is not the cause of so many problems. She is never happy, she never has much of anything good to say, she always wants what she wants and thinks nothing about tomorrow.

I know I am not perfect, I know that I am not this "Man of the Hour" However I can honestly say that my imperfections are buried by who she is. There was a time that I said these things and I would always end with.... But I love her! Yet, I am having a very hard time tonight even wanting to look at her.

If you read this blogg you know that we have recently had this MAJOR change in our lives and ministry, it has been difficult, it has been an added stress. The ministry part is just amazing, I am loving it, meeting people, talking with people, making new friends, doing the politic side of ministry I guess is what I am doing. Yet every hand I go to shake, every step I want to take is questioned and then the shake of the head, that is saying... "Well that is a waste"

For SIX weeks now I have been surrounded by SIX people that know not one kind word, or kind comment. Everything is not good enough, nothing can just be good, there has to be something wrong with EVERYTHING!!! No matter how I brag on something and point out all of it's positive things, just about everyone of them have a negative comment. The wife for the last TWO weeks has yet to say one kind word to me, everything is meant to destroy, everything is meant to push a fork in and twist a little bit.

You are wondering what the title of this post has to do with the story... Well, here is my honesty! Why not now have a stroke and die! My blood pressure is perfect for such a thing... 195/145 heart rate 129. I mean I could understand why He has not allowed it up to this point, I mean, the wife was 8 hours away from family, but now we are just minutes away..... Why not now!!!! I just want to die, I honestly could care less about what God has for me, I could honestly care less of what God wants to do through me. I am of the most miserable men and I just want to die.

Today?

2006-01-09T21:16:00.000-08:00

Well I cut work off a few minutes early so that I could do a post.

I have one question that goes over and over in my mind, yet it's source is my heart.

The question.... Today?

It is no secret, the wife and I and our little girl (yorkie) have made no doubt one of them most drastic moves in our life. We gave up a gold mind, in search of a diamond mind, not for our wealth, but for the Kingdom. We have no regrets, in all honesty I should have done it 2 years ago, but I just pushed it away and called it selfishness.

A new day, a new hour, a new moment, does not bring answers to all the question we asked yesterday, the last hour, or even just a moment ago, I have found that it only brings about new questions or in this case... Question.

The question... Today?

Yet for some reason it is not a question of doubt, but of anticipation, that in itself is worth all the gold. (I heard that all the gold in California was in a bank in the middle of Beverly Hills under someone else's name) (ok, bad joke)

I have found again the excitement of the question... Today? For you see, for so long it was not a question it was a statement and not just a statement but that of desperation. It use to read... TODAY!!!! Now it reads... Today? You see before, it come from exhaustion, today it comes from faith. Yesterday it come from frustration, today it comes from expectation.

I found that God might not changer your question, yet He will change your punctuation.

Watching TV

2005-12-27T18:38:00.000-08:00

Well it is a Tuesday night and I am sitting in a borrowed room at a borrowed computer, the moving is still a mess and we are not done. I think the Christmas holiday is a Horrible time to move.

Beside that, things are going ok. I am staying on my med's and getting some rest for the 1st time in 7 years. I am just spending time reading, writing some things down and just listening to others talk, things that I have not felt like doing in a very long time. I must admit, I miss the Pastoral role, waking up knowing that someone will call me Pastor today. Knowing that someone would need me to lean upon, to cast all their burdens on and then tell me how great a job I was doing. Hey I am just being honest here.

I look forward to going forward in life from here. I honestly feel that I am in the will of God, not saying that I am not worried and wondering how it will work, I am just saying, that I feel for the 1st time in a long time, that my life and His will are in step.

Well I do hope that all who read, will have a great new year.

Here I Sit!

2005-11-26T17:57:00.000-08:00

WOW!!! I am sitting in this office for the very last time tonight. I will step down as Pastor, step down and away from a people that I have given my very life too, the last 6 years.

I walk away a different man. Well, honestly I walk away as not the same man at all. When the wife and I stepped out of the Ryder 6 years ago, I had somewhat of an idea of who I was. Today, I can't even tell you my weight. I looked in a mirror today as I brushed my teeth, it was like I had for the 1st time noticed that my hair had turned gray, my hands have turned weak, and my life has turned sour.

Yet, I can't help but know that I am leaving here a better person. I leave here a stronger person. I leave here a greater human being. Yes, I leave with scars, yet it is from those scars that I will become a genius. I leave with deep brokenness, yet it is from that brokenness that I will become a healer. I leave stooped over, with an amazing load of care, yet it will be from that, that I will help others to stand up straight.

You might be thinking.... He understands it now. No my friend, I do not. I do not understand how through weakness I will make others strong. Through suffering I will make others joyful. Through fear I will give others peace. I do NOT understand it.
Yet I guess the thing I have learned is... "I don't need to understand it"

So, I will boast in my weakness, so that others might see Him as strong. I will boast in my brokenness so others can be healed. I will boast in my affliction so that others too can trust the healer.

The Shame

2005-11-19T18:55:00.000-08:00

Well I sit in my office this Saturday night and as the hour before me has ticked away, I behold a new hour that will eventually lead to a new day. A new day passes and a new month is on our horizon, a new month leads into a new year and I can honestly say, I have no desire to face it.

I know that I will be told that I should not have any shame for where I am at, and that life has taken me here not by my choice, but by "His" will. I find it hard to believe that this is His will. His will that my Doctor who has so kindly treated me, who has brought me back from what I considered my physical death, bringing me back to only tell me that he has very little doubt in his great wisdom that I am not Bi-Polar. He said for a year I have treated you, for a year I have listened, for a year I have recorded these notes and each time you come, we have solved one problem but 20 are still in need of fixing, and he believes the biggest problem to fix now is my "Bi-Polar". My heart it functions better no doubt, not fixed, just patched, my blood pressure is not stable, but there is no hope without surgery for the very fast and VERY UNHEALTHY heart rate, we worked on the pain from having a bad surgeon from a very useless open heart surgery. We finally had me sleeping 3 maybe 4 nights out of the week, but now he honestly believe what is at the root of my problem. This Bi-Polar issue.

I should just accept it and take his medication, yet, how can I do such a thing? I know you will say, well you take your heard medication don't you? The answer is yes. Well you take your blood pressure medication don't you? The answer is yes. Well you take your chronic pain medication don't you? Again the answer is yes. Well you take your aspirin a day to keep from having a stroke don't you? Once again yes. So what is the difference? The difference, the difference?!? I know that I have heart trouble, I know that I have pain trouble, I know that I have blood pressure trouble, I know that I am a very high risk stroke patient. I have accepted them and have determined that I will live with them. I just can't accept the other.

I just can't accept the fact that there is something wrong with me that I could have prevented. I thought at the time that my dealing with horrible issues in life, were the best way to do it, now I realize I had just created a bigger problem. I realize that when I thought I was dealing with it, I was actually just throwing the baby up in the air trying to distract the child from a dirty diaper.

Sorry, poor illustration.

I am about to walk into a new life, a new day was suppose to be on my horizon, now it is just another day, another moment that is ruined by who I am.

I am back, I think

2005-11-17T10:41:00.000-08:00

Hello, and I hope this finds everyone doing good.

I was in the Dallas area for longer than expected, however it was a good thing I guess, it was closer to my Dr. visit and so I did not have to make 2 trips within a few days.

Yet the exhaustion of just going and doing caught up with me. I am a pitiful person, I barely have the ability to make a cup of coffee in the morning, well who am I kidding, when you finally get out of bed at 12:30, it is no longer morning.

My friend Thomas has been a great help this week, and I appreciate that. I have found him to be this night light in my life, comforting and authentic, thank you Thomas.

Well, I guess I need to finish what I started 3 weeks ago. Be good!

Gone

2005-11-09T16:03:00.000-08:00

Well, I will be gone for a few days, trying to take care of my future.

See you when I get back.

The Brain Thing

2005-11-04T12:54:00.000-08:00

Well here I sit again, in a deep fog of..."Where am I" No, this is not a spiritual thing (I think) it is a physical thing.

I go through spells in my life, sometimes more often than others, that I can't even tell you my name, much less where I am at or what I am doing. It is like my brain pulls over to a rest stop and gets out and stretch.

Driving down the road today, I had to pull over, so that I could not just remember where I was going, but so I could remember where I was at. I know it sounds weird and hard to believe, but trust me, it is real and it is very scary.

Went into a store, where I know just about everyone that works there, the cashier has been very good to me this last year, even though his lifestyle would not be accepted by my friends and more so by them that say they love Jesus. Standing there talking with him, I went blank, I had nothing, I knew nothing, I could not even tell you at that moment my very name. He noticed that something was wrong and quickly covered for me and not knowing a thing about my condition or anything else he pulled me away from everyone so that I could come back to earth.

It always ends with me standing in the midst of a lot of people or sitting in a parking lot, crying, scared, beyond scared, terrified. Now I just wish I could go away, forget everything and everyone.

What if?

2005-11-01T11:27:00.000-08:00

I realize there are not very many that read this blogg and even less that know my history and what has brought me to this place in life.

So I write this, I think to just see it in written form.

What if I just left the ministry, well I don't think I would ever completely be out of "ministry", but step down from a very active roll in ministry?

I don't think anyone knows this, yet almost 16 years ago, I had but one passion, to be a Chef. I know, I know, it is kind of funny. However, I love to cook, I love to try new things, I love to entertain people. Now some 16 years later, I believe I am at the place again in life, that I either decide to continue in a work that has exhausted not just my body, but my relationship with my wife and also my relationship with the Lord.

I feel as if my feet are on the edge of a new beginning, and before me stands a new life, a new world, a new journey. I can either pursue that which I surrendered 16 years ago, or I can continue to do the very thing that has lead me to the end of who I am or actually who I thought I was.

What if I just left? Will I be cheating God or even more so, cheating myself?

Leave Me Alone

2005-10-28T13:10:00.000-07:00

I don't want to sound like I am in 6th grade, yet why won't these people leave me a lone.

You have done everything to destroy me, to ruin me, to make me out to be this pathetic person. So why do you want to keep tormenting and beating my cage with a stick?

What did I do to you? What did I not do to you? Why cant you just go away?

I have left you a lone.

I could have told everyone your secrets, I could have fought back and hit you below the belt. I could have crucified you, I could have ruined your name and caused other to point and laugh at you. Yet I chose to be kind, I chose to have sympathy.

I have made excuses for your actions and now I am out of excuses. People ask, they come and want to know what they should do. What should I tell them? I fear you have forced my hand to speak, yet my heart cries out for peace.

Now I need to know, I need to know God what shall I do? What shall I say? Will thou be angry with me if I speak? Will thou be disappointed with me if I tell? I have tried to understand your ways, and from the beginning I chose to bless rather than curse, I chose to pay the price to walk on the high road, yet I have not seen any reimbursement for my expense.

This trial has been costly and my life is at the place of being bankrupt, if I prayed like David, would you hear me? If I cried aloud like Elijah, would thou come down? If I fasted like Christ, would you visit me? Will you not respond?

They never cease to place more coal upon the fire that flickers with exhaustion. Please, I beg of you!!! Please, respond to me.

What?!?

2005-10-19T13:37:00.000-07:00

I have been in a very confused place lately. As if there are 3 doors in front of me and each time I open one to go forward, each time there is something different behind each door. My mind is going non stop, it is as if one part is trying to convince the other.

Troubled on every side I sit here today, everything that I have found rest in, well it seems to slip further and further away from me. I sat in the office last night until early this morning, trying to find direction, trying to find any shred of peace that could possibly let me sleep.

It was then that I somehow or another changed my question. Many times throughout the day, I mumble the... Why?!? Yet last night, it turned into... What?!?

What do you want? What do you mean? What do you think you are trying to prove?!?

I then put my shoes back on and journeyed home. I almost thought there for a moment that me changing the question would change His answer, yet I got the same reply, His silence. I have never been one to go around bragging about what "God Said" I hear it often from others and I just think to myself. God has said more sense the bible was written than any other time in history. I wonder if what we think has been His voice, has been nothing more than our voice, has been nothing more than that of an imagination, that of having one two many pickles.

So, there is one thing that I do know.... I love Him, and I do not doubt His love for me.

That's a good cup

2005-10-18T08:14:00.000-07:00

I am so enjoying my cup of coffee this morning. In the last several months it has been just this thing among many others things that have been on auto pilot.

My apologies to those who read along as I type. I have had nothing to say, I guess I should have taken that time to maybe write some of the truths that have been revealed to me through this time of suffering, yet it takes strength to do that.

I pray that what I am feeling now, will not last. It is a feeling of a very weighty weakness in my body. As if weakness has taken over, like a kid who has made his way into a mud hole. Did I mention that this cup of coffee is amazing?

Doing my very best to Look ahead this last week, I saw this glowing light, even now after all that time, I allowed my self to draw strength, thinking to myself that it was the sun, breaking forth for me a new day. Today I have arrived at it's spot and found that what I had seen, was but a fire, burning away the beauty that could have possibly inspired me.

May we all be found weak, so that He will but not have a choice to bring with Him, a greater measure of strength.

So far, Ok

2005-10-07T10:29:00.000-07:00

Well here it is Friday, my mind filled with a 100 things that I did not do and that needs to be done, yet I failed to do them once again.

So far the week has been ok. I would say that I have had better ones, but in all honesty I can't remember right now past this last week. I am not exaggerating. There are weeks that I can remember a lot, then there are weeks that I can barely remember what I did the week before, then there are weeks that I could not even tell you what my wife's name is, without having to give it a great deal of thought.

It was almost 11 years ago, that I took the advice of a Dr. & took his pill, within 15 minutes, I could not even tell you my name. Sense then I have episodes that I will be driving down the highway or sitting at home or in the office and within a snap of a finger, I have no idea where I am at or what I am doing. It is very scary, all I can do is panic and then fear comes. It is scary, very very scary.

I have allowed myself this week to rest and sleep in and just nourish my body, both with good food and nice long showers and not let what others think or say, disturb me. I just hope I can stay this relaxed and rested going into Sunday services.

Well, that is my life as of right now, I hope that all is well and that each of you have a great weekend and holiday on Monday.

16 Years

2005-10-02T12:58:00.000-07:00

Well, I think I have finally come to the place that it just does not mean anything to me anymore.

16 years of ministry and the only time I would cancel a service is if, a family emergency.... Never to go eat at a place together and just have "fellowship" I mean, you preach 1st and then fellowship, not cancel service so you can fellowship.

Yet I did it, Amazing..... I guess I just no longer care, or maybe I do care, yet more about me right now, then about who I should be.

I know this... I am tired... Very tired... I could not have preached tonight, I know there should be some power that I should have tapped into, yet, I am wondering if the rope that is tied around my bucket, has become too short.

So, I sit here, wondering, have I done this to myself? Or has this just been allowed to happen. May thy Kingdom oh Lord, not be hindered by my weak flesh.

I don't

2005-09-28T12:41:00.000-07:00

I don't want life anymore.

Difficult Week

2005-09-25T13:17:00.000-07:00

This last week has been a very difficult one. I have been speechless, and for a preacher that is like the splitting of the Red Sea.

It is like I have run out of things to say. It's like my heart is heavy, it is full and wants to cry out, yet it can't. I picture myself as a lamp that sits next to the wall outlet, it's cord laying next to it on the floor. Yet it has yet to be plugged in, I feel like that lamp.

As if there is something that needs to be said, yet for some weird reason it just won't come out. I don't think it is the shame of someone thinking less of me, I think by now, I have accomplished that. I think it is more of what I have failed to write or speak out that scares me the most.

This piece of me that has laid hidden and naked in the darkness, that if men could see they would not even bother trying to cover my shame, yet they would expose and shine a great light upon. This is where I cry for a brother. One that will come and cover my shame even when the wind has blown the blanket from me, this blanket of darkness.

I have shared with no one, I have yet to share with anyone what this blanket covers, I have yet to share with even them who have told me time and time again... "Let me in, let me in, let me in." Why, because I know how great a shame it will bring. I regret in saying that I have walked into the dark room of others and reached for the light to only find man scatter like a roach, and instead of reaching for the cover, I just talked about what the light had uncovered.

So I hide myself as usual, not knowing when I will scatter and reach for the cover.

I guess it is no big surprise

2005-09-18T07:40:00.000-07:00

If you have been a reader of this blogg you have found that it would not take very much for me to just disappear, to vanish, to start walking in a different direction and never be found.

It has troubled me countless times and has been of a great burden upon my life. I guess the greatest burden is the fact that I am "A Man of God", if anyone should have the answer, if anyone should have the peace, if anyone should have the "joy" it is the Pastor.

So this last week I join the rest of my family at my grandmothers house for those... "Oh Lord it is a family reunion" events! :) I sat among family, some I have not seen in several years, some that I wish I had not seen in several years.

It was while sitting at the table eating dessert that two of my cousins began to talk about a great uncle, who come home from work and was asked by his wife to go and get some "smokes" for the domino game that was going to be played that night with family and friends.

My great uncle leaves the house and vanishes, for 20 years he was not seen nor heard from, then one day my grandfather went into a cafe and there sitting in the booth next to the wall, was his brother, my great uncle. They spoke for just a moment, then my great uncle leaves and is not seen again for another 15 years, it was after that last encounter that he was never seen again.

The amazing thing, is that I was named after him and my grandmother who was now sitting at the table said to me..... When you were a baby, you could have passed for an identical twin in the baby pictures. I said... No Way!! They got the photo albums and although I would not say identical twins, however we could have passed easily as brothers if not father & son.

The journey home was very difficult for me I must add, all I could think of was how so many times as the sun has settled and another day has come to an end, how I have laid in my bed and dreamed of waking up with no one or nothing but maybe a few dollars in cash and my good looks! Time and time again, I have planned my escape, I have planned how I was going to never be found again.

It troubles me... It makes me wonder could there be this calling that only certain ones hear in the night? The night which calls us to just become ghosts, a face in a photo album, a story being recalled over cheese cake and coffee. I will say this and my honesty might be refreshing, yet I cannot keep it unto myself...

I am jealous.

Just a long thinking night

2005-09-13T21:15:00.000-07:00

As time goes by my feelings become weaker....

I wonder Thomas, is this the begining of the end, or is this the begining of a future?

This is what bothers me and I seek the help of anyone that is not afraid to approach a Pastor (trust me, we do not know everything) Yet what bothers me is that I see no reason for this battle.

If I were to come out of this winter with a book on recovery I would understand it, If I were to come out of this barren land with the ability to somehow have knowledge to keep others from it, I would be thankful for it. Yet, I see NOTHING coming out of this place with me. I look behind me and either my eyes have grown so weak that I cannot see anyone following me out, or I have once again failed the mission once again.

You see the thing that scares me is how I change, the change that comes when survival mode is engaged. Only once was I blindsided by this uncircumcised Philistine. I can always hear his voice in the distance, and each time I tell myself, I put notes on doors and on the monitor screen, notes that only I can understand, yet they are notes that remind me... "This is for my good" "This mission is to find others and bring them out on the other side" "This will be for the Glory of God!"

I know he will think of me as a freak, yet I cannot help but say it. Thomas, well, he might be a stranger to me and us all, yet Thomas is a young man that has much to offer. I read his words and I think of how ignorant I am. Not stupid!! Just ignorant! He uses his time wisely, yes, he sometimes wants out of this cage, yet he has turned his cage into this palace of riches (knowledge). He can't see all of it, because he worries too much about the floor having spots, or the windows having streaks. :) :)

This is not about me wanting to be normal, this is not about me wanting everything to just be.... Ok! This is about me, wanting more out of life, even if life never allows me to color outside of the lines, I just want to be able to color.

I Failed

2005-09-07T20:42:00.000-07:00

I had a friend, someone who I was doing my very best to pour my life into. Not that I think my life holds all the answers to life and it's struggles. I was just trying to be a friend. I don't have the courage to tell him the reason why I have not written or played a more active roll in his life. I just don't have the strength to be spiritual or even sound like much of one that loves the Lord.

I stood before about 50 people tonight, sharing with them the Word of our Lord and my mind left me, I could hear myself speaking, but I had NO idea what I was saying. My eyes looked upon them and they were all looking at me as if I was bringing about this amazing revelation, yet I could do good to only tell you about 15 minutes of the whole night.

I worry, I must admit.... I worry that I will be found out. That someone will somehow pick up on something I say on this blogg and they find some way of pointing the finger at me. I don't know what I would do if that happened, I think I would just walk away. I wonder if that is what needs to happen anyway, just walk away.

I pray, Lord thy will not mine. Yet I find myself leaning towards the door when I clearly hear Him tell me, just stay awhile, just sit down and breath. Why is it that I fear the most the idea that He would want to sit with me. I guess if I were honest it would be the fact that I don't think I would have the words to speak. I feel as if and I even notice in this blogg even tonight, how many times I have used the word "I" I mean, think about it, I fear His coming, because I fear He might want to talk about something other than what I have to say right now. I don't think I could hold a conversation with Him about anything else. Yet I feel so guilty for that. My lord, look around us, are there not more hurting than myself, are there not more in distress than myself, are there not more in a life of great loneliness than myself, and all I want to talk about is my small little place in society.

How weary He must be.

Just a stranger

2005-09-04T06:12:00.000-07:00

I find my bed in the early hours of a Sunday morning and awaken from it in what some would consider but just a few moments. It is then that I pull into the parking lot of a local coffee shop where when I arrive, the strangers who know me the least, all call me Pastor.

I go into their little shop with money in hand every Sunday and the lady smiles back at me and replies... "The Lord has bought your cup today" I know they do not go broke by one cup on a single day, so I buy my coffee beans from them, well I buy others coffee beans from them, I order mine from a different source, yet I would never tell them that.

I walked through the door, a little later this morning,no doubt even more so tired than the last, they noticed , they said... "We feared you would not come today"

It caught me by surprise and stopped me from going forward, there in the doorway I had to remove a tear from the crease of sorrow that is like a river bed, deep on my face. The ladies response, was a napkin at the counter and the squeeze of my hand.

I have never preached to any of them, I have never lead their loved ones to Christ. I have never buried their greatest treasures back into the earth where they had come from. I have never served them the blessed and holy sacrament. I have never sat across a table and comforted them over a son/daughter that is in jail for living a life that he/she was not raised to live. I have never had to tell them, God's ways we are not meant to understand, but by faith let us journey on. I have never had to tell them, the one they have spent the last 40 years with, is moving out of their life, because of a secretary, because of another dream. I have never squeezed her hand at the side of a casket. They know me as a Pastor, and I don't even recall telling them, I am not of the same faith as they believe.

I returned to my van to carry this cup of coffee into an office filled with sermons and messages that were put on paper so they could journey into places that man alone fears to go by themselves. Scribbled notes, from a heart that begged of the Father, "please give me the words, you see it was their 5 year old son". Notebooks and a computer hard drive that is filled with words of comfort, rebuke, peace, and joy. Yet all that have seen them and all that have heard them, has yet to squeeze my hand.

I wonder even now as I type this, maybe she is not a stranger.

I was reading

2005-09-03T13:52:00.000-07:00

This last week, I took time to just sit with a cup of tea and a lamp burning in my office and a book in my lap, and refresh myself with reading.

I was enjoying it way too much I suppose for it was then that truth jumped out at me and I wept at it's bitter sting...

"Your work and your life must go off the stage together"
William Gurnall

My plan was that I would give God the best years and He would give me the last years.

I said to Him just a few weeks ago, as my health turned back into a downward spin, I hope I pleased you these last 15 years. I heard no answer, but then what is new?

I sit in my office which is about to greatly change in but a few weeks, I sit behind this desk which I have treasured, and I sit here as if I were an old man, trying to find strength to come out of my chair. It was this last month that I have pleaded with Him, bring me relief... "Bring me sweet relief, by thy hand which can only do that which is right, please, bring me sweet relief." You see for I am only able to see my life exiting to the right of the stage, I cannot see of my work.

Many would say, how can you believe in a God, much less work for Him, this God who brings much pain? I can only respond, I just need to find where His grace is, I feel as if I can find that place, then work and life will exit gently.

No Doubt

2005-09-01T08:02:00.000-07:00

This has been I think the hardest month in a very long time. I can't even pretend to care, I can't even pretend to act like I want to be married or even in the ministry. I don't think I have ever come to this place of exhaustion before, in times past, I would be able to bounce back and at least have some kind of strength to draw from.

I feel as if a few months ago, I was throne into this well, an old abounded well. I knew at the time that I was going to get out of it, because I could see these steps on the side of the wall. Yet slowly as I tried to use each one of them, they would crumble in my hands. I then said to myself, well at least I am able to see the sun shining above me, and it was then that it turned night. I took courage and said, well this water that surrounds me will at least keep me from dying of thirst, it was then that the rains did come and now this water has become my source of fear, for it takes all my strength to keep a float.

Now I just want to let go and find myself at the bottom. All this time, I have lied to myself. You see I would say.... You are going only this far and then you will cry out for help, I had moved the mark so many times that I finally decided to just stop, it was easier than having to deal with the guilt of lying to myself.

I am sorry for those who read this blogg that my sorrow has overtaken my humor and ability to be a Great Man Of God. I think that maybe it is just time for me to find a back seat and let someone else be His mouthpiece.

Just Get Over It

2005-08-23T09:40:00.000-07:00

It was 11:25 p.m., as I stared at the clock in my bedroom. When she who cannot understand, because she will not even allow herself to hear my pain, raises her voice at me and says.... Just get over it!!!

I think to myself, what have I done to deserve this hate. The last I looked at our situation, I was doing everything for her. If there has ever been a queen who has been given so very much in life, I dare say it is the lady who promised "In sickness and health". I really don't understand what I have done too her, I really don't understand how she cannot see me as one who is on the inside curled up in a fetus position, wanting to be re-born, wanting not even a new life, but I will just take the former before it was altered.

I have done nothing to her, I have not said an unkind word, I have just sat in silence and my eyes trying to see a future, and while suffering much I have pulled out of my hat of magic, her meals, her laundry, her clean home, her warm baths, her long vacations that do not include me and what is it that I receive in return...
"Just get over it!"

As if I have put a collar and leash around this dragon and have made it my pet. It almost makes one wonder, who is the dragon. I was told last night that it looked like we needed to have a "serious talk", I tell you this truth, she is not prepared for a "serious talk" she does not want to cross that threshold with me. I try my best to just move on, to just get past what stupidity has said, I do not blame it on ignorance, for 11 years she has lived with me, no one can remain ignorant that long.

Absence

2005-08-19T09:41:00.000-07:00

My absence as of late has not been my distance, it has been my resting.

Many know that I struggle with insomnia, it's hand is very strong and for some reason his arm is never short. It finds me and attaches itself, sometimes for hours and other times for days. This last time, eight days.

Finally he lost his hold and the last two have been resting and eating, I would say the best part of it, is the fifteen pounds I have lost. Yet for eight days, there was no appetite for either food or drink and of course no appetite for sleep.

So I have taken the time to replenish, returning to life is a very slow process, you feel guilty for sleeping so late, yet, your body is screaming... "Put thy head to rest"

I think the hardest thing of insomnia for me is the fact that I lose all track of time, days somehow blend together and the mind becomes a London fog. So now I sit in a office, that I swear I did not create such a mess, but my desk is piled more so than it ever has been. So I guess my journey shall continue.

Sensitive

2005-08-16T08:42:00.000-07:00

I don't know what my problem has been lately. I mean, I have NEVER in my life be so sensitive around people (well only 33 years) I don't understand it and it is driving me really right over the edge.

Someone saying something that I would have laughed at 2 almost 3 months ago, today I just go to my office and shut the door and do anything I can; so that I won't just bust out in tears. I don't ever recall it being like this before. What scares me about it is, have I gone to a new place that I am not aware of? Have I allowed myself to go beyond what I know as familiar.

I can only say that what makes me upset is that someone has so easily upset me. What is my problem?!?

Weakness

2005-08-14T07:41:00.000-07:00

Here it is 9:40 a.m. on the Lord's Day, and I am ever so thankful that today we have a special guest speaker. I just don't know how in the world I could have preached today. I feel in my bones today such weakness, I have been to this place before, it always leads me to a hospital bed, with more fluids going in, than what is coming out. With Dr's standing over me, shaking their heads, telling me how much this is going to cost me in the long run of life. I lay in their bed silently, with my eyes half closed and my mouth shut from shame once again.

I remember the first time I dropped to the floor from exhaustion, I picked myself up and put it on my sleeve as a badge of honor, to only find their is no honor with Christ, I realized how it brought Him shame. How others looked upon Him as one that has heavy burdens and yoke's that are tight. I raised my hand to the Lord and said, it will never happen again, yet He knows the truth by now, I mean this will be the 6th time, who am I kidding. I hear it's ticking, I hear this bomb and it is ready to once again take control of my life, of my destiny.

It's as if, I have become it's slave. As if it owns me. My eyes are blood shot and the deep dark circles have returned again. My wife says to me, just lay still in the bed, you will fall asleep. She does her best to shackle me to the bed, yet my bed is great with sorrow and sleep is far from it. I lay there, trying to be spiritual, casting my cares upon Him, yet all that comes from it is that I awaken even more demons. To lay in the bed, to remain still, is impossible, so I again put on my sackcloth and arise to the couch, it is there that my flesh can moan, that my spirit can cry out with noises not know too man. I have in life questioned, what spirit is this? What spirit torments a man? What spirit causes man to crumble and lay helpless on his couch?

I am truly thankful, thankful that I don't have to be the voice today, I would no doubt be a voice in the wilderness.

Tired in the office

2005-08-09T18:04:00.000-07:00

I sit here in my office or what some call the "Pastor's Study". In all honesty I am not only tired, but I have grown bored.

It amazes me at how time changes so many things. Things that we swore would never become old, they end up like that slice of bread that sits on top of the package, rather than in the package.

I think I have just grown stale, I have allowed myself to grow old before my time. I was told by many in ministry when I started out, that everyone goes through this time in their life that they don't want to leave ministry, they just want to be ministered too. It's not like I want to leave, I don't think I have anything to leave too, I mean, I do believe I killed my ox and burned my plow some 15 years ago.

So where is the one that carries this drink to the minister? Where is the one that has been given the ministry to minister to them who minister? I wonder, is there one? I wonder, who it is that ministers to the one who ministers to them that minister. Maybe that is the story, maybe he sits on top of the package of bread as well.

My worry with freedom

2005-08-08T18:23:00.000-07:00

I guess the most troubling thing and no doubt the saddest thing is that I cannot even enjoy a moment of freedom. That moment when the grave clothes lose their grip and you are able to think clearly, you are able to breath with out fear.

Today has been that day. I awakened and felt like, what I can only imagine the earth feels as the rains come from above to cleanse and refresh creation. So I kept very still in my bed, not to move, not to tempt or awaken the forces of evil. I slowly removed myself from the bed and quickly brushed my teeth, so that I could leave and make the best out of my day.

Yet now as I come to the end... I sit here... Being tormented because I had found a tree to sit under and enjoy, rather to sit under and ask of the Lord to just let me disappear. How sad it is that even my freedom cost me much in the end.

I think that what is even more so troubling is my prayer to disappear, it is not to die, nor to have others around me to be judged for their sins against me. It is that I want to disappear, I want to vanish, to be found in another place with another life and nothing that I have now apart of it. I don't ask for death, I just ask for life, but not life as I knew it even before my tormenters arrived, yet a life that I had when it was just me, myself, and I.

I believe that I could shed these grave clothes if it was not for the fact that I have so many around me and yet NOT ONE OF THEM has offered or troubled themselves with the fact that I stand as Lazarus on the outside of a tomb. It saddens me deeply that they have to be told to remove my grave clothes.

I said to someone the other day.... I will eventually get past the fact that so many had so much evil to say against me, yet the thing that I will never forget is the fact that I had so many "friends" around me that never spoke for me, that never defended me, they just stood silent, as they begin to wrap me with these garments. It is their silence that is the greater sin against me.

Who could blame me?

2005-08-06T14:15:00.000-07:00

I worry... I shared with my friend my song that I have yet to sing for so many... It has been so many days and yet I have heard no reply. I promised him that I would understand if he said nothing. I would understand if the song fell again upon deaf ears. Now I am left to wonder, was it my song or has his own choir taken over his ears.

I said I would not sing it again, I said the last time that I was given the silence, that I would have rathered they told me to step away from the mic and let them that can at least bring us a sliver of hope (like the moon, even when it is but a sliver, we know that a greater vision will come)

I stopped taking my medicine, I said that when it became a need in my life, then I would no longer be controlled by it, it became a need. I will not allow myself to be leashed like a dog, being lead where it's master so desires. I refuse to stand before a people and say... "All ye that can hear my voice... Take thy refuge in God!" Only to be lead by this leash myself to find my refuge in the knowledge of man that comes so easily from not just my good Dr. but my wife as well. I wonder what it is that she does, when I am kissed by the kiss of sleep. Who might she dance with in the shadows of my house, who might she sit with and say to them, "My husband would love to have joined us, but, well.... well I found him sleeping again."

Did I scare thee oh friend? Did my distorted face frighten you when I lifted the mask? Was it the blood shot eyes or the un-kept beard that made you wonder, wonder if I could be trusted?

Your silence is like that of a burial cloth, it wraps around my mouth with it's fear. I cannot speak for one will say... "Why did you tell?" Look what you have done! I cannot speak of it, for my shame of telling has caused me a great amount of embarrassment before.

Just a single line, to bid me farewell is enough, I promise to not respond.

Why am I hurting

2005-08-02T20:25:00.000-07:00

I am not sure why tonight I am experiencing such pain. It has been over a year sense my heart, mind and spirit were raped. I don't understand it... Why tonight? Why do I want to get in the corner and cover myself with a blanket and weep?

A year, over a year has gone by, and yes I have had my sorrows, but nothing like this. None have been so painful, none have been so dark, none have seemed so hopeless.

Tonight I can see their torches, as they entered my garden. Torches that were burning by the vile from their hearts. Torches that were not used to find, but used to burn. I was told... Patmos, pull your sword, defend yourself, fight for us!!! Yet I sat in the silence, as he approached and kissed me, the kiss of one in whom I was given the chance to kiss a thousand times, yet not even in the name of Christ, would I kiss him. I said, let us have mercy, let us again pour out the wine, let us again, pour the oil upon his heart. I mended him for this??? I mended him for that kiss? I thought I mended him, so that he might run, so that his wings would take him above the others.

I remember that night, they who loved me were a few feet from me. I remember that night, I cried in my pillow. I remember that night, I wept, I beat my fist into the air. I said from these ashes will I re-build, not that I might return, but that I might harbor them who are weeping, harbor them who are crying, harbor them who are dying.

Why tonight? Why am I hurting? Why tonight? Why do I feel like running? Why do I feel like leaving? Why do I feel like weeping?

It has been so long ago, it has been oh so long ago.

Then why do I feel the knife? Why do I feel their cut? Why do I feel the twist of that blade?

I remember that night. They did not kill in mercy, they killed in rage. They who were but a few feet from me, they said, that they would tarry, they said that they would fight. Yet when stones were cast, they could not last, they could not understand my response. I knelt in the sand and picked up their rocks, and there I begin to build, to build that bridge that would let others cross, to build that bridge so others could run. I now lift up my voice and I cry...... All you who are thirsty, All you who are weary, All you who are tired.... I have built you a bridge. I have built you a place. Come, come in and declare thy sanctuary.

Yet now I feel like the one who stands at it's door, not knowing the password, not knowing how to enter. I built this refuge for all who were weary, where did I put it's door?

Oh yes, I now remember, the door is at it's floor, I remember now, I made it for them who could not stand nor reach it's door. Lower I must go, lower I must go!! I had forgotten... Lower I must go!!

This I Regret

2005-07-27T15:39:00.000-07:00

In a matter of minutes, I will be putting on my game face.

The face that shines from the desk of God telling others how to live their lives, telling others that Jesus is in control, telling others that it might be Wednesday, but thanks be to God Friday is around the corner.

Then I will disappear in the shadows and return to licking my wounds. I will go home, put a pill in my mouth and return to my bed of sorrow.

Had some visitors today, some young people that think I hung the moon. I would love to tell them Jon that I have not even seen the moon in about 6 months. Yet I just don't have the ability to tell some teenagers that their Pastor wants to go away. That their Pastor has no desire to see the sun rise, much less the moon.

My wife climbed out of the bed this morning, and I just pulled the covers over my head, I wanted to vanish. I have been to this fork in the road before, my plans were secure and my destination was clear. There was nothing left to do, but disappear, I had my chance, the door was open, yet I sat in the prison of who I was at the moment, rather than who I wanted to become.

The strange thing is, I don't think I even have the energy to make it past the driveway. Maybe I can get someone to drive me 1/2 way.

Well, look at the time... The Reverend is on in 30.

2005-07-26T17:45:00.000-07:00

"Why is my pain perpetual, and my wound incurable, which refuseth to be healed? wilt thou be altogether unto me as a liar, and as waters that fail?"

It is with great respect that I share the words of Jeremiah, I normally think of them, but never speak them, and NEVER let anyone know that I am thinking them. I speak to the darkness as I get into bed at night... "Now tomorrow your life will begin again, this time it will be good, this time, the thorn will not return."

I have yet to awaken to that tomorrow.

Every day, I find this thorn, pressing, pushing, and at one time, it would work it's evil for good, bringing me closer to the Christ. Now, it only comes to torment me, to make my mornings a sacrifice and my nights a sorrow that only can be described as dark.

I stand at my window in the night and I speak to the tree... How do you do it? After every winter, you return to your beauty, why have you not said... I will not respond to the winter and I will never again respond to the Spring.

And as if a tree can speak, I can hear it's voice speaking.... I just respond and then embrace the season.

I fear the embrace

No, really, I understand

2005-07-22T19:52:00.000-07:00

I don't even know how to start this today. You would think I would be a pro at this by now. I said last time... I WILL NOT allow it to hurt.... I WILL NOT allow it to make me cry... I WILL NOT allow it to blur my vision.

Now I can't see if my vision is blurred or not, from the tears that drop from my face, like rain falling to the ground, to only be offered up again as an offering.

What was it he said? "I think you should distant yourself from me, not for my safety, but for yours."

I had this idea that a friend was to come close, so that there might be some kind of safety. I have felt like this King, who ruled a Kingdom, and those who pledged their loyalty has now vanished and it has all been for my safety, for my good, for my protection.

Standing now surrounded by an army that has not once shown any kind of mercy, and have only hidden in their caves to call upon the darkness that they might fight like cowards, so that they might fight like devils it is now that I stand alone.

Is it thy plan to isolate me, has it been thy plan to allow all men to turn against me?

I cannot!!!! I cannot!!!! I cannot!!!!! Do this.... Don't you understand, don't you see, don't you know I have come to my end, they have chased me, they have raped me, they have beat me, they have left me for dead and now they come again to see that my death is filled with great sorrow.

I thought you would come, showing up with a garment to cover my nakedness, to cover my shame, yet I see that you will only come with the linen to wrap me in, to place me there with them that have gone on before.

With what strength I have, I lift this cup, this bitter cup.... Let it now be filled so that thy servant may drink.

In This Place

2005-07-21T21:19:00.000-07:00

I was preparing today for my message on Sunday and I come across the 9th chapter of Zechariah and it's 17th verse.

"How great is His goodness, and how great is His beauty"

You know there is one thing that has not been difficult in this cemetery (The city of the dead) is that it has never been a problem to worship.

It has never been a problem to lead others into worship.

Even though I question much and wonder among the tombs, wondering if one might be listening. Looking at the dates that have been carved by the hands of man, but only lived by the one that has now returned to the earth.

I do recall the day that I walked away from an open grave, from family and flowers and the song Amazing Grace. At that point I had never felt such loneliness, such a void, like that one piece of the puzzle was removed and who I was, who I was going to be, was taken and placed deep into the earth. I sat from a distance, watching as the men who return the body back to the earth lower my grandmother into the grown, it was there among this city that I introduced myself to Landon McKay he had died 15 years earlier, I did not know him, yet I burdened him with my sorrow. Yet I pulled myself up from there and determined I would worship. From that moment, I have not in all my sorrow and grief, forgotten to worship.

Even now, it's as if I can see those men, slowly, yet they prepare the place for me, my heart is still toward Him. My voice is still lifted towards Him, I manage somehow to pull my harp from the willow tree and sing and play for Him, play for Him a love song.

There is yet one thing I choose to remember.... He is worthy. Even though His hand has brought much sorrow and His children have hurt me so deeply and His "elite" have been no different than them who yelled CRUCIFY! Yet this one thing will I do, I will recall His worth. This one thing will I do, I will sing of His goodness. Darkness might have my mind, but from my heart will I sing.

Oh, Teach me thy song Father, teach me a love song.

Which way now

2005-07-17T07:16:00.000-07:00

I was not going to complain about it, yet it takes over my life when it comes. I have been under much sorrow with the giant that knows my name oh so well. Yet that is not my complaint today.

This last week has reminded me of my physical weakness. It controls me, it grips me in it's grip of fear and disappointment. For some reason He chose not to finish His work, for some reason He has left me seeing tree's.

You would think that I would welcome it's destruction, that I would say, come and let thy wrecking ball have it's way with me. Yet, I would rather not be conquered by this, I watched as my grandmother lost her battle, and I swore I would not give it the pleasure of taking me.

Why would you leave me seeing tree's, why would you leave me with one foot in and one foot out. Did something cause you to change your mind? Did something distract you? Was it my lack of faith, was it my past that you discovered which discredited me?

I know you have grown weary of my questions, I know you have grown tired of my complaints. I wish I could come with a different song, I even wished I could bring you a better dance. Oh I would dance, I would dance like a fool that dances for his King.

Which way now my Lord? Which way now? Do I return the Dr. Or do I remain silent? Do I ask again for the saints to pray? Which way now? If there is anyone that has grown weary with my complaints it is myself, I sound like this record that it's needle is dull and has trouble moving forward.

You should have listened

2005-07-16T18:17:00.000-07:00

I wish you would have listened to me when I told you to not speak. Now you have awakened the giant who had gone to sleep.

Now he will come with his memories and once again bring much pain. I just had him off to sleep, yet you would not let him sleep, you kept talking and would not cease. Now he awakes, unhappy as usual, now he awakes with the agenda of making me remember.

I wish you would have listened when I told you to leave me alone, I wish you would have listened when I told you that I wanted to be left alone.

Now he comes, I hear his footsteps in the distance, now he comes, I smell his fragrance that reminds me of yesterday.

I wish you would have listened and let him sleep in his slumber, I wrestled with him until he had no choice but to sleep, now he returns and I have yet to find sleep.

I can hear his breathing, I can hear his speaking, oh thou dark night of my soul, be gone and let me be, be gone and let me be, be gone and let me be!!

If I close my eyes will he not find me? If I run to the hills will he not follow? If I run to the valley, he will surely find me. Oh thou dark night, oh thou dark night, please, please have mercy on me. Please come again when I am rested, I promise you then my full attention.

You who call thyself the light of the world, will though come and dispel this darkness, will though come and remove his power?

A note to my friend Thomas J.

2005-07-15T09:07:00.000-07:00

Thy hand is my mind, cut, wounded, and it causes me great pain. The words that I refuse to enter my heart they bounce back and forth like a ball with a chain. With every pass, they bruise much more and cut even deeper. I sit in silence thinking of how I might let them out, yet they bury themselves to only return in the night. I toss, I turn, I moan in my sleeping hours, I reach for that pill, so that these voices will sleep, yet I only find when voices sleep they only dream. Their dreams awaken my sleep and find their way into my rest, there they bring the chain and rattle it again, now I awaken to only find I have not slept.

I lay on my bed and reach for my lover, my lover sleeps and I refuse to wake her. I feel her turn and think she has awaken, to only find the night has brought her what the day had taken from her. I stare at her beauty and place my hand on her chest, I feel her heart beating and I know she is at rest.

I reach for that bottle thinking to myself, if one is not enough, then two will make me rest. I return to that void, where the voices have not left, I return to that place that sorrow needs know rest. I cling to the promise that He will never leave me, I see that table spread, but my enemies seem to be eating, eating from my table, my table of rest.

Was there not a promise that I should lay my head down and rest? Was there a promise that one would fight for me? I see His table, I see His pasture, I see His waters, yet the first is full and no room, one is not green and the other is not still. I raise my voice, and say to Him, stand upon this boat and speak again, speak they words... "Peace be still" yet my cry is weak and I fear His ear has grown deaf.

I AM

2005-07-12T12:41:00.000-07:00

I am jealous of nature. It has it's seasons, the winter comes and the winter goes. The spring comes and the spring goes. The summer comes and the summer goes. The fall comes and the fall goes. Yet my season has no change.

I am angry at myself.I could blame others, I could point the finger I suppose. I could say that the hand of others has pushed me down. I could say the words of others has bruised my soul. I could say the actions of others has beaten my back. I could say the tongue of man has become this shackle.

I am tired. I have grown weary, and I have hung my harp upon the willow. My feet, they are sore from walking and my legs they are worn from standing. I look at my knees and they are bruised from kneeling.

I am dying. I feel life leaving my body. I feel it's source of strength becoming dry. I fear not death, I fear not it's angel. I say to thee, let thy kiss be upon my head, let thy breath breathe upon my ears.

I am scared. I do worry, how will I find my way back? If I am lost then who will find me? I think man has grown weary of me, their silence speaks more now than their counsel.

I am cold. I cannot find warmth for my soul. I have placed it's wood carefully upon the altar, yet I have come to believe that He will not find me in time. I did journey into the forest, I did labor at finding wood. I held it far from me, so my sorrow would not rot it, nor my tears to cease it's burn.

I am finished. I cried unto Him and asked that He would quickly come. I then turned to Him to see if He had followed, yet He did not move. My voice I lifted even higher.... "Just send thy word, and it will be done" Yet He did not speak nor send His sparrow, He just caused the waters to cease.

Draft

2005-07-02T09:52:00.000-07:00

I have been speaking in the past of how I have felt what might be a wind blowing around my feet. Thinking that maybe this wind was about to blow upon me again. You see I have been asking of the Lord, let they Holy Wind blow upon me again, let it bring it's refreshing breeze upon my face, that it might dry these rivers that come from my eyes.

I think that I have discovered it is actually only a draft. Like living in the old house and around it's doors and it's windows you can hear the mighty winds, yet all you are able to encounter is this very dim, very light pocket of air. The windows are ancient and cannot be opened, the door is old and locked and I cannot find it's key.

I can hear the howling of the wind and it does not frighten me, it only troubles me. I lay in the bed at night and I hear it's whistle, I sit at the table of sorrow while my tears are my meat and drink and I can hear it's whistle. I lay myself upon the couch and try once again for sleep and I can hear it's whistle.

I sit in front of the fireplace and my wood is arranged and the draft is open and enough fuel on the fire that all I am in need of is a spark. Yet the air still has within it, this bitter cold.

So now I sit in this chair, and I no longer ask of Him to open a door or even crack a window. I now come to the place that I cry unto this one who said to me, you can find me in the gentle breeze. I now whisper unto this one who said to me, I can be found in the fire. I softly speak to Him, Lord, just let this foundation fail. Let this foundation give way to this wind, let this structure now collapse and let men find me in the midst of it's rubble.

Stone

2005-06-19T08:13:00.000-07:00

"Prayer and love are really learned in the hour when prayer becomes impossible and your heart turns to stone." Thomas Merton

Do you need me?

2005-06-18T15:28:00.000-07:00

I was just wondering... Do you need me?

I would like to disappear if not, I would like to find a valley to rest in, or a cave to vanish in.

Maybe I could just disappear and be known as one that has mysteriously gone away. You see I feel as if I already have. You see your silence is as death to me. Your hiding has no longer be a conquest, but it has conquered.

My knees are now feeble, I thought that I could go longer if I was not standing, but now my knees they, well they have failed me.

Maybe I too could climb a mountain and see just the backside of you? It's not like I want a book deal and to be on TV, with my latest experience of you. I just would like to know if you need me?

I guess I should pray for tears, that I might weep again, it seemed like then I at least felt something. Let the tears roll down my face oh God, may they once again crease my face, may they once again create their valley, their river bed.

I know I have failed you, I know that I am not what I at least try to make others believe about me, yet, could not just this one moment, I see me as you would see me.

I promise, I promise, that if I could just catch a glimpse of you, I too will put my face to the ground and cry Holy, Holy, Holy! It is not that I ask for treasures that might make me sound rich, I just ask for the treasure so that I can eat again.

Do You need me? Would you please answer me.

There was a time

2005-06-15T16:06:00.000-07:00

In life I believe there is this cup that is set before each of us, the cup that we must drink from in life.

There are days, weeks, months, and for some years that we must drink from the bitter cup of life.

There are days, weeks, months and for some years that we must drink from the sour cup of life.

There are days, weeks, months and for some years that we must drink from the salty cup of life.

There are day, weeks, months and for some years that we must drink from the refreshing cup of life.

For me, as I looked into my cup, I have found it empty, and it is now collecting dust that seems to have fallen from the sky.

It makes me wonder, did I voice my complaint one time too many, and so He shows me now, what it is to have nothing. Have I complained one time too many and therefore I am given a cup that can no longer hold even the sorrow of life.

Does He empty the cup of them that complain? I thought He would just change the contents, I did not know He would stop filling it. I feel NOTHING. I lay in my bed, I sit in my office, I stand in my shower, and nothing.

There was a time that at least I could find others like me, that I could join in drinking with, I mean, even sorrow enjoys company. Is there anyone who's cup is dry? Is there anyone who's cup is empty? I did not realize how lonely this place would be.

Maybe I should have just said thank you for filling my cup. Maybe I should have just found myself content in the cup. Maybe I have the cup upside down, and that is why it is empty.

Have you forgotten?

2005-06-11T22:57:00.000-07:00

My bed is soaked with sorrow, my heart has been weighted down with fear.

This heart of mine has been overtaken with doubt, as I stood in a worship service last night, surrounded by about 500 people, with hands lifted and the hot bitter tears of grief burned my face. I begged of Him, "Please Father, do not let me lose Faith now, I have come so far".

More than 24 hours now has passed, and I have come to the conclusion that I am not sure if I actually believe what I have believed all my days of being "born again". Now please understand, I believe in God the Father, God the Son, God the Spirit. I believe there is but only one way to the Father, and that is through His Son, the Lord Jesus Christ.

Yet, it is now that I wonder, is salvation for just a coming thing? Or is salvation practical for my today. You see my voice has become nothing more than a whisper and even at times, just that which is called moans and groans that we are not to understand. Yet even my whisper is.... "God save me from this darkened forest, God save me from this city of the dead." Yet, I find only that I am pushed, and pressed to go further into the forest and it is has only grown colder in this city of the dead.

I know it might sound childish, but I have said to Him, maybe better so that I just wait for thy coming, and by my waiting I not mean with hope, but with a surprise if it should ever come. You see I sit in my office and yet another new day is upon us, and I do my best to say... "This is the day that the Lord has made, let us rejoice and be glad in it." Because I am not even sure if He is in my today, maybe he is just in my future.

Oh how my words haunt me that I said to a people who call me Pastor. "Your sorrow today will be your song tomorrow". "That you should lift your head up and shout... Thank God it is midnight, because now I know my new day is coming!!"

So I say again, with this new day having arrived.... "Oh God you are beautiful, let they beauty shine on me, let not thy servant go forgotten, but remember me, as you intercede for your people".

Just let me surface

2005-06-08T13:27:00.000-07:00

I had finally come to the place that I could see the light after having been taking to the darkness of the deep water. My eyes were beginning to experience the reaction to dim light, after having been exposed to nothing more that darkness for so long.

Then it happened, this hand grabs me around the ankle, and as hard as I try to make him let go, it is of no use. The light fades, the water thickens. I fell as if my throat is being closed off. The pressure of this deep water reminds me of the pressure that the Dr. said to me as he inserted five long thick needles into my back.

I think he knows, that if he lets me surface, that I will refuse to return. I think he knows that this darkness is not only for my character, but for my safety as well.

I promise, I will return, just let me surface, just let me feel the sun beating down on my face, just for a minute. I promise, I promise, I will return, I will find my own way back. I am so good at that.

Just let me surface, please.

Shepherd

2005-06-05T13:44:00.000-07:00

I have realized that my blogg would be great served with cheese, because they say that wine goes good with cheese. Sorry, a very bad joke that I should have forgotten a LONG time ago.

Yet in the midst of this dark hour, I cannot but help say... My Shepherd is good. You see I deserve a lot worse. I deserve His touch and their be boils appear, I deserve his voice and I lose a limb, I deserve His finger tip to move over me and I be stricken with some horrible stuck facial expression. He is a Good Shepherd.

Yet He still awakens me day by day with all my limbs and no boils to be found and well I am not all that handsome, but I will say it could be a lot worse. He is a Good Shepherd

He has never let me die from thirst, and although I would rather have prime rib with a nice lobster tail, He somehow is able to nourish me with my tears. He is a Good Shepherd.

I have always seemed to find my way, though I did not understand completely all of the valley. I have always seemed to have stumbled upon the table, as I walked out of dark place. I have always seem to have noticed grass stains later on my clothes, where I was actually sitting in green pastures. Somehow people always notice even in my darkest times and in great despair, that my face shines with a new glow, I find out later, that my head has oil upon it. Last but not least, I realize that my hand is heavy, and when I look down it's because there is this cup that is full. He is a Good Shepherd.

I love Him, even though it might sound I am confused with Him. I love Him, even though my heart seems dry. I love Him, even yet my ears ring with my silence, and the most amazing thing about it, is He is great and good enough to know that I think He is a Great Shepherd, even when it just hurts to much to say it.

Tick, Tick, Tick

2005-06-04T13:53:00.000-07:00

Once again I have found myself going down the stairs of fear and a sense of hopelessness.

They say, they will never be able to fix me, they say that this pill will help, and it did, but for some reason it's like what little hope I had found, has vanished like a vapor. I thought this was going to solve my problem, yet now, I see more of my problem than I see of their solution.

The good Dr's tell me, they have never seen anything like this, nor do they ever think they can do anything for me. I know that it still ticks, because I can feel it again, this pain, this pain that grips my throat with fear. I am being silenced by this thing called pain, this thing that once made me cry out... "HELP ME" now because people look at me with eyes of sarcasms, I am now silenced.

This ticker has caused me to fear the looks of men, the words of women, and the nods of them that say they are professionalls.

I find myself weak, at a time, that I need to be strong. I finally submitted to this walk, now He who called me to the walk, must show Himself strong.

1, 2, 3 ~ !!!

2005-06-03T09:44:00.000-07:00

The last words my uncle said to me as I was jumping into the pool for the very 1st time.

I was 7, and I was scared. I remember it so well, because we were at a hotel, out of town, because my grandfather had an accident, an accident that cost him his life. He was doing what he LOVED to do, fish. My grandfather drowned.

Now here I am at 7 years of age, standing on the diving board, scared that I might have an accident, yet my uncle assures me, it is going to be ok, I will catch you as you enter the water. "On the count of 3, ok, you ready, 1,2,3 ~ !!!

By mistake I jumped, by mistake I trusted, by mistake I thought he would do what he said.

Now some 26 years later, I can still see my grandfather in his casket, I remember the 21 gun salute, I remember the flag they handed to my grandmother, I remember my mother crying.

I remember it oh so well, because I remember standing there, thinking to myself, if only someone would have been there to catch us, maybe neither one of us would be dealing with death. My uncle that hot summer day became the one that I could never trust again, he became the one that I avoid and even some 26 years later, I can't see him any different than who he showed himself to be.

I feel as if I have spent 26 years on that diving board, all so alone, oh so scared.
Yet I keep hearing this inner voice.... 1,2,3 ~ !!!

Ok, one more time

2005-06-02T09:24:00.000-07:00

At the place that I want to just sit out the next season. I just want to fake an injury and be benched for the next year. I honestly believe that people would understand, that they would say... "You deserve this Patmos, you have been so faithful".

At the place that I want to just show up at home base with no bat in my hand, and let the pitcher strike me out. I honestly believe that people would understand, that they would say... "You deserve this Patmos, you have been so faithful".

At the place that I want to just stay in the car, not even climb the stairs in the bleachers, maybe just sit in the car and listen to it on the radio. I honestly believe that people would understand, that they would say... "You deserve this Patmos, you have been so faithful".

At the place that I want to just stay in the recliner at the house, watching the game. I honestly believe that people would understand, they would say... "You deserve this Patmos, you have been so faithful".

At the place that I want to just watch the game from the bed, so that I can go back to sleep when the team is not winning. I honestly believe that people would understand, they would say... "You deserve this Patmos, you have been so faithful".

At the place that, well they are all waiting... Ok, one more time, after this, I promise... No more.

Midnight Train

2005-05-27T22:08:00.000-07:00

Who would have ever thought that I would be at a place in my life that the joy of others being seen and heard and listened too and most of all not tried to be proven wrong would come to my heart.

Not that I was this... "Know it all" ~ "I am right ALWAYS and you are wrong" attitude ever was in my vocabulary. Yet, my life has been spent, trying to prove what I believed, and if your feelings got hurt in the process of it, then, well, you needed to change in the first place.

Now before anyone that I know, says to me... "Patmos, you are just having a moment." Well, I would disagree, I think what has happened is that I know what I believe now, and I am comfortable with the fact that not everyone is going to agree with me, yet even then, I still have a responsibility to love them, not write them off.

For so long, I have thought that it was my agenda to hold the fort, to keep the battle line stored up with hot oil to pour on them that tried to post anything on our wall that was not what I believed to be true.

I guess I can just come out and say it. I have decided to no longer sit at the train station and try to figure out, how the train could have a softer sound to it's roar, but to say.... Let us get on this train, and not try to be it's engineer, but for the 1st time, see who all is on it.

Will I change my convictions... I doubt it, but I have decided that my eyes will no longer be blinded by them.

My soul has lost it's voice

2005-05-22T06:41:00.000-07:00

Why did I do it? I knew better, yet I still put my heart out to be accepted. I knew that when the day would come, for them to actually have a choice, that they would choose my leaving rather than my staying. I should have never looked back, I should have never questioned my going, yet out of the love for a people I thought I knew what would be best. Now I must suffer this needless pain.

This needless pain that has even as I write this, has taken from me my voice. I want to speak, I want to at least say..."I love you" or even better so..."I NEED thee" Yet this darkness I have created has silenced me, has captured my voice, has now become my pillow by which I do not sleep on, but yet covers my face.

What bothers me now more than anything, is the fact that I no longer fight the pillow. I knew of a time, that I would have fought so that I could be heard, now I hide, I hide in my office, because I fear that someone might hear my silence.

Why did you do this? Why would you place yourself in the place of evil? Why would you allow yourself to be put in the way of mans darkness? I guess I assumed that they had no darkness, I guess I assumed that they really did love me. I believed them when they said..."Please, don't leave me".

I know I heard them right, I know I heard their voices, I know I heard them say, if you could but only stay. I have determined, that they love the idea of me, that just don't love me.

3rd Eye

2005-04-30T18:41:00.000-07:00

Why is it that when you face one trial after the other, you begin to start looking at everything with this 3rd eye.

The eye that when everything that happens you try to see it as some spiritual circumstance. You try to make this ordinary thing as something that could have only come from the backside of a desert.

I am finding more and more that there is a grace, a grace that causes one to rest, even when his back is against a bed of nails. It seems as of late, that either the nails have grown dull or my skin has become tough. I pray that the nails have become dull, crazy thinking I know, yet I would rather remain tender and hurt, than to become this piece of lifeless flesh.

I would like to say that I can see the good, because I always tell others, God will cause all things to be for your good. Yet, I see dimly, I see a mist, a haze, and I continue to wait for something to come from it. I sit and wait, thinking that this bright light, or figure will form and come forth. Yet I think my waiting will only produce a restless heart.

I do wonder, I do call out, I do let my thoughts become words, yet for some reason that is all they have become is words. I would hope that somehow they would become solutions to my situation, yet I almost wonder, in a sick kind of way, do I want my situation to end. I fear that the result of this magic trick, will produce nothing of value, that I won't at the end, have something to show others.

I guess a scar would be nice, I have one on my forehead, I have one on my hand, I have one on my wrist, I have one on my chest, I have one on my stomach, I have two on my leg. Yet it seems like this one on my soul, it just opens wide, yet nothing comes from it.

I had this dream.... I was laying in this box, and above me was this man in a hat, he spoke to the crowd... "For my next act, I am going to cut this preacher in 1/2, I recall seeing the blade come down, and I even recall this stabbing pain in my side, yet when he goes to separate the box, nothing has happened, he shakes his head and looks me in the eye, and says.... Not even I can break you"

I feel that way... I think... If I could just break, then I could heal. If I could just be crushed, then I could be mended, If I could but just disappear, then well, no, I don't think I would re-appear.

Casket

2005-04-13T15:20:00.000-07:00

I hear their words, yet they are muffled.
I see their tears drop from their face, yet I feel them not when they fall upon me.
They say I look so peaceful.
They say I look so natural.
They have judged me by my smile.

Yet they do not reach out to touch me, nor do they lean in to kiss me.

I feel cold.
I feel stiff.
I feel that I want to move, yet I cannot.

What is he saying? I so need to know.

Why are they crying?

Why are you all here? What has happened that you all have appeared?

I smell flowers.

I think I hear singing, yet I cannot make it out.

Is that scripture they are reading?

What does he mean... The Lord is my Shepherd, I shall not want.

Why does she stand over me? Why does he shake his head when he looks at me?

Why have they laid me upon this silk?

Knock Knock

2005-04-05T09:42:00.000-07:00

Pastor, Can I come in?

Yes, please come in.

I just wanted to say Hi.

Well I am glad that you did, come in, can I get you a cup of coffee?

Oh no thank you, I just wanted you to know, what a wonderful message that was this morning.

Well thank you Sister, I was worried it was a little long and a bit hard to grasp.

No Pastor, it was just what I, well we all needed to hear.

I thank you for your kindness.

Pastor

Yes Sister

Are you ok? I mean, well, I have been praying for you, and just heavy in my heart for you, are you ok?

Dear Lord, what do I say to her? Is this the chance to be open, is this the chance to be honest? What if I tell her, I am weary, that I am tired, that I just want to give up? Will she understand, or will she no longer think of me as a Pastor, but just as another man. What do I do, what do I say? Lord, please help me!!!

Oh sister, I am tired, did not sleep well this week, had a lot on my mind, you know us Pastor's we always carry the extra load.

Yeah :) Pastor, I don't understand, but I will keep praying for you.

Thank you :) Sister, It is deeply appreciated, pray that I know His strength and have the power to obey His will.

I will do that Pastor, I give you my word.

Thank you for dropping by, please come, anytime.

He said to look up!

2005-04-03T14:30:00.000-07:00

I think I read somewhere, I believe His words were, Look up, for they redemption draws nigh. Does He not know, that my bones are feeble and my strength is gone. I looked before and beheld the wonder of His universe and yet He brought me nothing. I know I should not, yet I wonder, what good is all this glory around me, if my eyes have grown so dim. Why is it there? For His enjoyment or mine?

I preached today and it was like I had come out of one place and went to another, yet I see now, it was only faith moving others, and for me, I remained in this dry well.

Tomorrow I rest, Tomorrow, I cease from my labor, Tomorrow, I spend the day with little girl (dog) she knows me, she sees me as who I am and not who I pretend to be. Yet her kisses are ever so tender and her love is never ceasing. I tell her all the time, that she is what I knew of our Heavenly Master, and then I tell her as Jesus told His disciples... "Will thou also go away" She looks at me as if she knows me, as if she understands me.

I force my eyes to look up, I force them to look upon the horizon, I force my countenance to be of good cheer. Yet nothing comes, as I wait upon Him, as I speak to Him of my desperation, as I tell Him, in you is my life, yet He waits.

The 2nd

2005-04-02T11:11:00.000-08:00

I awakened to the 2nd day of April, I awakened to this solitude of suffering, I awakened to this beginning of yet another day, that will be filled with the silent suffering.

I am told and have told, that this will be for my good, yet I happen to believe that there will be no more good.

The Dr. was kind last week, he said here, take these, they will help you. I have found them to only cause me restful sleep (I am thankful for that) yet they also cause me to stare at them and to stare at the time as well. Always asking myself, is it time now, is it time now, is it time now. I guess I have found a friend, a friend that let's me sleep, yet also a friend that will not let me be.

Tomorrow I fear, It will require of me to be this strong man, in whom I no longer seem to be able to stir, to awaken. This giant sleeps, this giant is in slumber, this giant has now become a coward. If I could just speak from my heart, if I could just let them hear my soul, if I could just let them see this acid washed spirit. Yet they do not pay me to be real, they pay me to be their puppet. I have said to the wind, come, blow over me. I have said to the rain, come, and rain on me. I have said to the storm, come, and take me down the river. Yet I seem to remain the same, I seem to remain untouched.

My God I cry out to you in this hour. My God I cry out to you in this day. My God I cry out to you in this season. Allow thy hand to at least bring correction, give me thy wrath, give me thy sacred holy hand of anger. If you are not going to touch me to live, then touch me to die.

In case of emergency, break glass

2005-04-01T12:13:00.000-08:00

I want to break this glass, I want man to come runnig to my rescue, I want out, I want freedom, I want life back in my bones.

I am weary of sitting by the tomb. I am weary of it's loneliness, I am weary of it's rough edges on my back.

I have lost count of my days, I use to wear them as a badge of honor.

I ache, I hurt, I moan yet man does not come. I cry out in my distress, were is this balm, where is this healing ointment, where is my good Samaritan? Where is the hour that man will appear and speak to me that word, that word which brings me out of my garden of death?

I fear the breaking of the glass, I fear man will come and not find me lame, nor find me sick, and then label me as one who cries wolf.

Oh how my eyes are filled with sorrow, and how my drink is bitter tears. My tongue clings to the roof of my mouth, I am parched, and the only drink I have is a bitter cup of mans agenda for my life.

Just a quote

2005-03-30T13:09:00.000-08:00

"I have spent the greater part of the season pretending to feel something I didn't feel. I have preached when (sometimes) I should have been, if not silent, then less eloquent. I have spoken falsely (and unpersuasively, I know) about inspiration when I should have admitted that there was none." "Listening For God" ~ Renita J. Weems

She speaks for me today.

My Lord & My God

2005-03-27T06:13:00.000-08:00

I have come to a place, I believe it is the table that He has prepared in the midst of my enemies. I think I have stumbled upon it by mistake. Mistake, yes a mistake, for you see I have never come upon this table so quickly.

I feel this wind at my feet, this breeze, this soft gentle moving of air. I can't help but wonder, I can't help but think to myself, is a new season coming? I don't want to get my hope up, yet I don't want to miss something that the Lord has for me.

I have asked of the Lord that I be given strength to be His vessel this Lord day, that I have a greater strength and even more so, a Holy voice. I have preached so many times with just words of man, yet I long for His voice again to speak through me. I wonder, maybe this wind, maybe it is His hearing my cry, maybe He has moved His hand that was holding back His presence from me.

I wonder, oh how I wonder, as the stone was rolled back, if my Christ felt this same wind around His feet? Or was the stone removed for His sake or mine? I think I preached once that it was for my sake, yet now I don't recall.

My hands are dry, they use to catch the tears when I would kneel in prayer, now all they feel is the cold breath that comes from me as I pray. What is strange is that I have taken scripture to comfort me during this season. I know you are thinking, what is so strange about that? Well I have taken comfort from the words that can be found in Revelation 3:15 ~ "I know thy works, that thou art neither cold or hot; I would thou wert cold or hot." I remind Him and let Him know that me being cold is pleasing to Him according to His Word. I know you have had this cold chill go down your back as I said that, yet, right now, it is easier just to tell Him where I am at, than to ask Him to change it.

A stone at Easter

2005-03-26T19:55:00.000-08:00

"Prayer and love are really learned in the hour when prayer becomes impossible and your heart turns to stone." Thomas Merton

I apologize in advance to you who might think I use too much Merton, yet it never fails. Everytime I look for a friend, there he is.

Tomorrow is the big day "Easter Sunday". I bought the new tie, got some new socks and was sure to have the dress shirt pressed (heavy starch on the collar, light on the body) No doubt my new cologne will please the crowd. The sermon has been sitting on the back burner all week, and it is ready to proclaim He is Risen!!!

My prayer for tomorrow is that once again a people will see me as their Pastor, and not as one who sits in the crowd wondering if that guy behind the pulpit really believes everything he is about to say.

Now before you go thinking I have turned athiest, well, I have not! Yes, I believe He is risen. Yes, I believe He sits at the right hand of the Father. Yes, I believe that He will come again for His church. Yet, what about the now? I have asked myself... Did you sign up just for the end? I have told others that He has brought to us life and peace, and the joy that cannot be measured by the worlds standard. So as I laid in bed this week recovering from some health issues I begin to ask myself.... What has happened to those things He promised? Or better yet, the things that I promised to others that He promised.

I wonder now as I look back, do the people I tell this too, do they just pretend to have what I speak about so that I will feel better about myself? Or did they actually tap into this source and find what I cannot seem to find. Did I miss the turn, or did I tap into the source at the wrong place and maybe I missed it, or maybe it just has not gotten here yet.

Well, I guess we will understand it when it comes, or just accept the fact that I missed it.

Lovest Thou Me?

2005-03-22T10:14:00.000-08:00

"Christianity is a religion of love. Christian morality is a morality of love. Love is impossible without obedience that unites the wills of the lover and the one loved. Love is destroyed by a union of wills that is forced rather than spontaneous. The man who obeys God because he is compelled to do so, does not really love Him. God does not want the worship of compulsion, but worship that is free, spontaneous, sincere, "in spirit and in truth" Thomas Merton

I read these words often to remind me that where I am at and where God is at, is ok. There is nothing better to do in my life than to worship the living God, yet there are times my silence is of greater worship than the fruit of flesh upon my lips.

More and more I am coming to the place that my silence to God is of greater worth, than something I can repeat out of repition because I was brought up a certain way. I am not saying that I want it to stay this way, I am just saying, I would rather have His silence and be trusted with it, than just have Him speak to me, because I needed to feel something.

This Graveyard

2005-03-20T07:37:00.000-08:00

"What you do in darkness, I see, What you say to the shadows I hear, what you hide in secret, I find, you are exposed to me as brightly as the day."

I come across this the other day, I am not sure who the author might be, yet it is a simple truth, but oh so powerful.

I have sat down this last month and considered my ways, considered the things that have happened in my life and how I have let them change me, for either the good or the bad. It is difficult to assume that ALL things work together for good, for them that loved the Lord. Yet I tell you the truth today, if allowed, truly even the most difficult and the most painful situations can come out for our good.

This fog that I dwell in, like a burning house, so thick that one must stay close to the ground, has even worked for my good. Humility is it's fruit. I realize how weak I am, and how strong He is becoming. I have realized once again, that I cannot do this on my own, that as strong and wise that I think I am, I still must submit to this one who is ALL powerful. I was reminded of something Tozer said. "In Him, is all power for the weak, yet after giving strength to the weary, He has not lost any power." So many times, I have felt as if I was tapping into someone that would limit it's power to me, so that others might recieve power.

I would like to believe that my fog is lifting, I would like to believe that my journey into the city of the dead is almost over, yet I can still feel the cold damp air and no ability to see further than that which is before me. Yet today, I fear nothing, I no longer fear what might come upon me without me knowing. I feel protected, I feel safe, I feel as if this is working together for my good.

Do I still have questions of why I must journey here? Yes I do question, yet I do not question why I am here, I question what is thy will for me, while I am here. I do believe that the purpose of my being here is not necassirly for me, but for all of them that know of where I sit. I think to myself, what truth can I learn that I can bring with me when I walk out of this place. What ointment can I find hidden among the stones that will bring comfort to one that I stumble across even on my way out of here.

I guess I am finished with my thought for today.

Please Forgive Me!!

2005-03-16T15:21:00.000-08:00

Sitting in my office today, I was enjoying the great work of yo - yo Ma "Vivaldi's Cello". When I have some visitors. Although lately I would rather be left alone, I welcomed them and offered them a cup of coffee. When out of nowhere I get this look of "How could you?" From one of them that were standing there, then the others picked up on what the other lady was hearing.

"Why would you listen to such?" Was the voice of one? The look on my face quickly told those that had come by, I had NO clue of what they were talking about. She said.... "That Music" "Why in the world would you listen to that?"

I responded with this look of dismay and then from somewhere I still have no clue of where it could have come from... I said... Let me ask you, what did you watch on t.v. last night? Do you have cable? Do you rent movies? Do you even entertain a t.v. in your home? Do you go shopping? Or do you have all your groceries and supplies brought to you house? She said, well my life is not in question here, I would think you would be more careful of what you entertain as our leader.

They left today, having caught a glimpse I am afraid of what this great darkness is doing to my spirit. I would have just smiled and said jokingly... Oh you know me, the heathen that I am. Yet it was like I wanted them to know, I am not controlled by you, nor am I conquered by you. I am sure that they will have a thing to say in our next meeting, yet, I welcome the day. I just hope that my darkness does not spill out into rage.

City of the dead

2005-03-14T17:29:00.000-08:00

No doubt I have crossed over once again. You know I said, it would never happen again, I promised myself.... You will never go that far again, you will do something, say something, go somewhere, get some help.

Why can't I just snap out of this, why can't I just wake up? I have entered the city of the dead, the city where no man lives. The city that conquers all of mans dreams and visions, the city where life is sucked from the bones of mortal man.

I remember these stones, I remember throwing myself upon them, thinking if I could just be crushed, then I could heal. If something would just break, then it could mend. Amazing how these rocks bruise but never crush, how these rocks bring pain but never break.

I know I am not alone in this city, I can hear the faint cries of them that are hidden by this fog of sorrow. I know this sounds evil, but I am thankful to know, that I am not alone. It is not that I rejoice in the sorrow of others, it's just comforting to know that this graveyard is not as lonely as it seems to be. Hey, maybe we will stumble upon each other, then again, maybe we will fall into a hole.

The Hand of one

2005-03-09T09:58:00.000-08:00

I have found that in life you never know what to expect. You find yourself running in the field of happiness barefoot and without knowing it you step on a rock. I did not say you stumble on a rock, yet you step on a rock. You realize sometime later that this one step will cause you to walk differently for sometime.

The bruise of a rock, is amazing, you see nothing, you can't point it out to others for their sympathy, you can get stiches or even a band aid. Yet you know it is there. It is like that of a broken toe, "nothing" can be done. Now I find that hard to believe, I mean, we can cut open the hearts and heads of man and make robots out of them, yet we cannot do anything for a broken toe...... Someone is holding back here.

You see really the only sympathy you get from a rock bruise is from the hand of one that knows exactly where you are at. They know that others cannot see it, they know that others cannot feel anything, yet they know, how painful it is to walk upon it.

I have found in my darkness something more powerful than the switch that could cause darkness to vanish, I have found in my darkness the amazing light of a candle. I sit in my office today, and my lights are on, yet I still suffer from the coldness. Yet I can sit in my office and turn off it's light and place a candle for my brightness and it will also bring warmth to me as I place my hands over it.

Those of you that know how it is to sit in darkness, would you please, please, PLEASE, be the hand of one, that will be a candle. We who sit in darkness today, although the light shining would be nice, we would just settle for the hand of one that can bring just warmth to us.

May all the goodness of man, arise this cold day, and bring to the hearts of darkness the warmth of just one.

The Painful Silence

2005-03-08T09:42:00.000-08:00

This June will mark 15 years of full-time ministry for me, and I am still just a kid.

This entry today is not about the Silence of God, although I could write a book on that. It is a much deeper pain, a more painful search of ones heart. You see when God becomes silent in my life, I search to see what has separated us, He is pretty quick to show me if there is anything and yet if I cannot find anything then I realize His desire is just to sit with me and not speak with me.

So the pain of silence that I speak of is that of the silence of friendship. Let me again clear something up here. I not speak of the absence of a friend, or when one who we use to talk with everyday is no longer around or they might be around, but they just stop talking with you. No doubt it is painful, you search your heart, search your words, search your actions, wondering what have you done to cause the silence, the absence.

The pain that I speak of today is that pain that goes into the depth of ones bones, and it becomes this ache, this torment, this evil that consumes even the most holy and righteous thoughts of man. You see I have been on the sharp end of a friends tongue when he/she chose to cut me, to mutilate me. Even then I find myself forgiving them, find myself making an excuse for their ignorance.

The pain that I speak of today is that pain that comes from the one that knows to speak good and yet does not speak it. The pain of a silent friend. The pain that comes from him/her that listens to all manner of evil against you, and yet they say nothing to protect you, to guard you, to redeem you. I realize in life that I am going to disappoint someone and they are going to turn on me, they are going to reject me, yet those that say they love me, why not speak for me? Your silence is like fertilizer upon the flowering weed, although it seems harmless, it chokes from me life, it robs from me, it does me much more harm than that which was spoken.

I wrestle more today with those that chose to be silent, than those that chose to speak evil.

I almost had a feeling...

2005-03-06T06:31:00.000-08:00

Going to the "party" last night was almost a very good thing. Yet my mind took over my emotions and ruined the whole thing.

I went to a banquet last night, I would rather call it a party, so maybe someone will think that I have a life. So at this party, it is your usual..."Smile and really look like you are having a good time" In fact your last root canal has better memories.

However, this party was different, my hero's were there, men and women that I think are the greatest. Missionaries!! I have grown to love these people, I know each of them that were there, very well and yet none of them know my suffering. One of them knows me very well and knows the horror of what another Christian can do to their Pastor, he kind of saw 1st hand everything that took place in my life a year ago.

Last night as I walked into the room, I just kept my head down, I did not want to be there, I did not want to see anyone, I did not want to even be noticed. Yet looking up to find my table, I saw my friend, he was talking to probably one of the most "powerful" men among us, a man of great respect and his words carry much weight. You are lucky to even smell his breath. As I look up, he looks over and sees me, without even a thought, he turns to the "mighty one" and I read his lips,
"My friend is here, I need to go" He walks over to me, throws his arms around me and pulls me unto him and holds me, saying, I sure do love you!!! I sure do love you!! I sure do love you!!!

I almost said it, but I kept myself from saying it, I almost said, I love you too. Yet, at that moment, I knew I could be real, I knew I could not say anything and he would understand, I knew I did not have to lie to him. Now please understand, I love this brother, well I guess I do. I just don't have any feelings right now for really anyone. No sense of love or compassion, no sense of feeling or direction. He grabs me, says to me, please sit with me, please join my table tonight. "I can't, I have others here with me, that expect me to be with them."
I almost had this feeling, that someone actually loved me. That someone actually had a feeling for me. That someone would actually look for me if I turned up gone.

The rest of the night I sat in this numbness as I sipped my coffee and had my chocolate cake, sitting at a table surrounded by them that smell so righteous, and laugh on cue, and say their amen, and give their nods of approval, sitting there, sipping on this cup of cheap coffee, wishing, thinking, daring myself to move to the other table, yet I kept telling myself, it is just easier to not feel, than to feel and then not feel again.

Answers to David Rattigan

2005-03-05T08:41:00.000-08:00

Well for those reading this today, David Rattigan of Grace Pages....

Well he is doing this GREAT thing of asking one 5 questions and you get to answer them. I think it is just great!!! Thank You David for doing such a wonderful thing.

So below you will find my 5 questions and the answers. Don't laugh!!

1) Tell me about one moment of joy from the past of your life. Falling in love with my wife all over again. We have been through so much together, so much heartache, so much emotional pain. Everything that can be tested in our marriage has been tested, everything that can be shaken has been shaken. So many have tried to ruin us, to destroy us, and what they meant for evil, the Lord has turned for good. Instead of allowing the power of evil to push us apart, we allowed it to push us together. Several weeks ago, taking a nap during the day, I looked at my wife and this overwhelming love come upon me, it was like the 1st time I saw her, her beauty was just a glow and I allowed myself to be overtaken by her magical powers :) It was the greatest moment of joy and just about the only moment of joy that I have had in the last year.

2) On your blog you name Titanic and ET the two worst films you've seen. Which film has most deeply moved you, and why? Let me begin with saying, I am actually honored David that you have read my blogs, to have someone like you read them, I count that as wonderful gift. I am not a big movie watcher, never have been really, I always found myself when a movie was going on reading or at the coffee place enjoying a nice cup. I know as a minister I should say the Passion of the Christ moved me and then explain why, and it did, deeply move me. Yet the movie I speak of today is one that I don't even know the name of. I was at the Dallas Museum a few years back, with some friends. There was in their theater thing an artistic piece of film that captured me. It was filmed in India and the whole thing consist of this one woman, this lady that had this one look upon her face. It was the look that I had seen so many times as I glared into a mirror. The haunted look of void, the look of someone that was just a shell, an empty piece of workmanship. The whole movie was just this lady walking or standing still in the city, dressed in a white garment, just wandering from one building to the next. It brought me to a place of complete attention. I sat there for an hour, my eyes fixed to this screen. It was as if I had found a friend.

3) What three things make you totally and utterly unique among all the people in the world? a)Compassionate, my heart never ceases to break. I think I have come to a place that I cannot be moved anymore. Yet I find myself weeping again. Even towards those that have crucified me, my heart breaks for them.
b)Chameleon, not because I have funky eyes. I am gifted to be able to fit in anywhere at anytime. I can go from having a very elite personality to this common person who can relate to any social status at any given time. c)no sene of direction, now I am not talking for my life, but in everyday life. On a very good day, I can point you in the direction of up. I get lost no matter where or what I am doing. I live by landmarks in life, and a night, someone else needs to be driving. I have no way of getting someone from point a to point b.

4) If you could have been present at one event recorded in the gospels, which would it be, what part would you play and why? You just had to get spiritual!! I already know you are going to crucify me with what I am going to say. I would be that lady, as her ear was near to the ground, heard as one by one the rocks begin to make their loud thud against the earth. Hearing this man in whom others proclaimed to be the Messiah saying, You who are without sin, cast your stone. Then hearing as each stone, begin to fall. That moment when man had removed the cover that hid her shame, now was again covered by the rocks of them that wanted to expose her. Then hearing from the one who could have judged her and condemned her and told the world of her shame, say to me, Where are they that accuse you?

5) What are the greatest hopes for your life in five years time? In five years I want to be known as that friend. That my phone will ring at 3 a.m. and on the other end be this Pastor, who is sitting in his office, wanting to pack,wanting to vanish not just from ministry, but from life and he can hear the voice of one who can say... I know how dark it is. That friend that can sit across the table of a cup of chai and a blackberry muffin and say to other, I know how deep and how long it is going to take for that wound to heal, and I will be here to continually pour out the oil and the wine. I want to be that friend that a brother or sister can say, I cannot, I cannot, I cannot go any further, and I place my hand upon them and say, then sit here for awhile, I will go for you. I want to be that friend that helps to hold that bitter cup of ministry and say, you do not drink alone, I'm here. I want in 5 years to hear those words.... "This is my friend"

David..... Wow, you are the greatest, you are real man, keep up the awesome work and let me know if I can ever do anything for you.

http://gracepages.blogspot.com/

Did I mention?

2005-03-04T09:54:00.000-08:00

The void is endless. The depth is bottomless. The darkness is eternal.

I feel as if I have become this vessel that has been emptied of it's water, remaining only to be filled with dust and debree and the spider web of nature.

It was not long ago that I complained because all I could manage to produce was water in this vessel, what ever happened to this water being turned into the richness of wine I would say. Now as I feel the void of water, who could even care about the wine?

What amazes me about this, is that the only thing people notice is the vessel, not the content (or the lack of). Everyone stands from a distance, as if we have become a museum of artifacts and treasures.

Thomas Merton writes "The more our faculties are emptied of their desire and their tension toward created things, and the more they collect themselves into peace and interior silence and reach into the darkness where God is present to their deepest hunger, the more they feel a pure, burning impatience to be free and rid of all the last obstacles and attachments that still stand between them and the emptiness that will be capable of being filled with God."

I say, then fill me already!

good cup of chai

2005-03-03T18:05:00.000-08:00

It seems in days like this, that even the simple things seem to mean so much more.

I drink a cup of Chai every day, well ok, no everyday but on average, every day. :)
Yet tonight in this lonely, dark, cold office, it seems to have a richer taste, it seems to bring a deeper warmth to my body.

Recieved a call from a "friend" today, on the other end... "Hey, how are you? I was just thinking about you and praying for you, how are you doing?" (Could it be? Could it be? Could it be, that someone was going for the switch, just give me a flicker of the light, I don't need much, just the glow of that bulb for a split second, I will take anything.) "Oh, hey Jim, well things are going ok." "Well good, hey let me ask you something." (I knew then, this was not about me) (Just sit back and listen now) The next 45 minutes, I was yet again this Pastor, this one who had all the answers (if he only knew of how I searched for these answers in the dark, on my hands and knees, as if the house is on fire, the heat is so great, the smoke is so thick, that one falls to their knees and grope along the wall for an answer)

"Well I took enough of your time, so glad things are going good." Good!! Good!!! Good!!!! Who said anything about things going good, my word was ok, not good!!!

Hanging up the phone, I made note to myself, just because one comes with a siren and lights flashing, does not mean he/she does not know how to put out a fire. So just stay close to the ground, and breathe only when necessary.

Vain!

2005-03-01T12:22:00.000-08:00

I have laboured in vain, I have spent my strength for naught and in vain.

My mind is like this thick fog, and in the distance I hear the faint sound of a lighthouse, men who say that a light house has no noise, then you have not stood in the darkness and listened to the power of light as it cuts through. I hear it's sound but I cannot see it's saving power.

I cry aloud thinking someone will just whisper back, yet the silence robs me of my hope, I shrink back, so that I might not taste that bitter empty void upon my lips. So I sit in this thickness, I sit in this void, I remain, hoping that someone might stumble upon me. Even if they killed me, even if they robbed from me, just that someone see me, just that someone recognize me in this darkness, they can have their way with me, they can have their pleasure with me, just touch me in this void, just let me hear the rage in your voice, let me just know that this night is not empty.

Did you dance?

2005-02-27T13:13:00.000-08:00

I said to myself when I found myself in this hour of Patmos, that when the light comes, I am going to dance. That I would rejoice with them that rejoiced, for I have wept with them that weep in this journey.

So I ask myself today, now that the sun settles again. Did you dance? I don't recall dancing, I only recall wondering when my night would come again. Fearful that it would be today, fearful that it would be tomorrow, fearful that it would be the next week.

I find myself with my hands against the wall, thinking this time I will find this switch, find this device that will bring light to me. Yet all I can feel is the roughness of my hands from the last time I searched this barren wall. My tears have become my drink again, I fear the day that they stop, because I fear I will be overcome with thirst. So let me weep, let me sorrow, let me be found in guilt of not dancing.

Maybe I will be found dancing this time. Maybe when the sun comes from it's hiding place, it will find me, dancing in this darkness. Oh darkness where is thy sound, oh darkness where is thy voice, sing to me, sing to me your song. Sing to me that I might dance slowly, sing to me that my feet my move with thy sorrow, Sing thy song to me, that I might sing it to others.

To sneeze or not to sneeze?

2005-02-26T16:46:00.000-08:00

Ok, it was late last night, in the bed, could not sleep. I battle with insomnia and the worse thing that someone in my state can do is get their mind on something, because then there is no hope whatsoever for me of ever getting rest.

So I am laying there, just listening to my wife snore, and trying to clear my mind of everything. Then it happens..... KABOOM!!! Out of nowhere this sneeze come upon me. I hate sneezing because I had open heart surgery a few years ago and it hurts me to sneeze. Yet that is not my point. I know, you are just waiting to hear my point, yet be patient, it is a virtue.

I am laying there after having this sneeze and the enemy of thinking comes upon me, I try to avoid it, yet I cannot stop it. So for the next 4 hours I lay there thinking about everything that one is able to do in their sleep.

I just happen to have some examples.... 1)Snoring 2)Talking 3)Walking 4)Jumping off the bed 5)Doing a # 1 6)Picking their nose "seriously, no lie" 7)Kicking 8)Telling dirty secrets 9)Singing 10)Cussing like a sailor. The list could go on forever, trust me, about 4 hours of list I could blog.

Yet one thing I have never known man or woman, boy or girl, old or young, to be able to do....... SNEEZE!! Now let me clear something up here... I have slept in the room with many people, not that I have slept with many people. Please clear that up before the newspaper get's it. I have never known, nor been in a room with anyone that has ever SNEEZED in their sleep. How strange is that?

Now by now you are probably thinking what I am thinking.... Goverment Conspiracy!!!

Of course now I am not an expert, nor have I slept in the same room with everyone, so that is what this blog is about... I want to hear from them that have or have not heard someone SNEEZE in their sleep. I will say this... I don't want anyone responding that has the answer why, then of course this blog would not be as fun. :)

It is cold

2005-02-24T11:19:00.000-08:00

I find myself sitting in my office today next to the heater, just trying to get warm. Yet what is more so cold than this flesh, is my soul. It's as if my soul has become one with nature.

This dark winter has caused me to question, to question so much in life.

What am I doing?
What have I done?
What should I be doing?
What should I have done?

I feel so far away, yet a part of me feels as if it is wanting to live. Maybe it is the seed of life that is yearning for the spring, so that it might bloom. Oh how I hope this is true.

My shoulders are heavy and my feet seem to drag. I ask myself... When will the day cause the night to vanish? I find myself over and over in the midst of darkness.
Overcome by the shadows, overcome by the grief, overcome by the fact that many around me dance in light, and I am called to sit in darkness.

I had convinced myself, that this darkness would be for my benefit, yet I realize that though I grow stronger, I still cannot help but wonder what the sun on my face would feel like.

I stood in the heat of my shower today, and I cried out as only a child who has been left would cry.... My God, My God, why has thou forsaken me?!? What have I done, have I exhausted thy mercy, has my failures out numbered thy grace?

Maybe, just maybe, tomorrow I shall behold the sun.

No one said!!

2005-02-19T09:22:00.000-08:00

15 years ago when I said I would follow, Everyone said, it is not an easy road. Yet no one said there would be hell to pay.

In the last 15 years I have seen as the evil man would overcome the righteous, and I was told. It rains upon the just and the unjust. Yet no one said, the just will only someday see their rain.

When will good men arise and conquer the evil? When will good men arise and overcome the ungodly? Must we always be beat down? Must we always see the bottom side?

No one said that this road was death, they only said, it was lonely.

No one said that it will rob you and rape you, they only said it was all uphill.

When will one see the unrighteous perish in their own vomit? When will one see the unrighteous fall by their own sword?

Speaking of the sword, it never grows dull. You would think with all their cutting, with all their stabbing, with all their wounding, it would grow dull, yet among them it remains sharp. I wonder what price they pay to have it sharp? Does it cost them their sleep? Does it cost them their health? What does it cost so that evil might prevail?

I wish, oh how I wish, that one would come and hold me, that one would come and bring me close. Where is this one who said I am your peace? Where is this one that has proclaimed to be my warrior? Have I offended Him? Have I dishonored Him?

No one said He required death.

Did you say cheese?

2005-02-05T16:00:00.000-08:00

I have been on this new life style (diet) now for 2 weeks and I can honestly say that this new life style (diet) has shown great progress (20 pounds).

My new life style (diet) has not been a very easy thing. I love food, now I know people say that and we all shake our heads and say... I also. Yet you don't understand, I LOVE FOOD, I love to eat. Now some of you are probably thinking, this is his way of saying he weighs a ton... NO, 1/2 a ton maybe but not a ton. I am tall (excuse) so that helps me carry my weight, yet I have over the years allowed my gut to expand. Anyway back to what this is about. What is this about?

Oh yes, cheese. This new life style (diet) has caused me to cut back on things that at one time in my life, I never even thought about, such as cheese, I mean how bad can a slice of cheese be? Well actually I don't have the calories with me, so stop your worry. Anyway, today, 2 weeks into the diet, I go to get a grilled chicken salad (fat free ranch) when the lady there behind the counter says..... Do you want cheese on that? My response... Did you say cheese? As if cheese on a salad was NEVER HEARD OF before. She kindly responded, yes sir, cheese, you know, it's shredded.

Well as the line piled up behind me, I stood there thinking, do I want cheese? Do I want cheese? Do I want cheese? I quickly tried to figure in my head, how many extra calories it was going to be, yet I stood there under the power of cheese. Thinking to myself, is it really worth it or not. I took into consideration how much more it was going to cost extra for the cheese, I figured if I did the price in my head it might tell me how much cheese they were going to put on it, then I could figure up how much it was going to raise my calorie intake. What seemed like forever I am sure was but just a few seconds yet I told her, no, I don't think I will have cheese. She smiles and hits a button and gives me a total. And then I thought to myself, this little teenage girl has no idea what she just put me through. She so easily just takes my money and does not think twice about my struggle, she just smiles and says... Have a good day!!! Have a good day!!! Have a good day!!! The nerve of this girl, the nerve that she has to offer cheese to me!!!

Well I guess I have got that out of my system and will go home and enjoy my night. Sleep well all and do be good.

Oh and I get my salad, the guy brings it out and says..... Sorry sir, we are out of fat free ranch!!! If i would have known that, I would have gotten cheese.

Please Help!!!

2005-02-02T15:32:00.000-08:00

Well it is Wednesday again and I am trying this Blogg thingy as therapy, so on Wednesday I take the time given me to let off steam. So here it goes....

It is Monday, I am in the car (paid to much for it) and I am on my way to Wal~Mart (hate the place) and I enter the parking lot and the challenge begins....

1)There are more baskets in the parking lot than there were to die on the Titanic (sorry but I hated the movie, actually in my life I have seen two very very bad movies 1. Titanic 2. E.T) So trying to get through the parking lot was enough to just send someone into cardiac arrest.

2) I am one that does not mind waiting on a good parking place, and not to brag or anything, but when I see an elderly person behind me waiting for me to get the good place I always pull on and let them have it (not bragging I remind you). Yet this is just a thought, actually it should be more than a thought, it should be law. When you see someone putting their groceries in the car and you want their place, pull over to the side, so that other cars can get around you. There is no NEED to sit right in the middle of the isle.

3) How about not putting your childs dirty diaper right outside your car door so that when I get out, there is what you left behind. Actually why not do the right thing, put it in the diaper bag and take it out when you get home. I realize that it probably stinks, but that is the price of children.

4) If you are going to use your goverment assistance, then don't let me see your basket filled with Christmas lights or Easter bunnies, or Halloween Candy. If you have money for that, then I KNOW you have money for your babies milk that sits in your basket as well.

5) Pay attention in the aisle, take notice that your basket and 4 kids are blockin the whole other side of the aisle and other people are actually in the store . If you own the store then you can very well take up the whole aisle but you better have identification ready to prove to me that you own the store.

6) If writing a check, then PLEASE ask the cashier for a pen when she is checking out your 19 items in the 10 or less lane and that goes for any other lane as well. Dont wait until the total is given and then say... "Can I borrow your pen" You could have written out that check and refinanced your house by the time she/he has gotten through with your basket.

7) This is to all you checkers. I know you stand all day and no doubt tired, but give me a smile, I mean, I did not have to shop at your place of business, I could have sat on my butt and ordered it off the internet or even gone to your competitor. Give us some love, give us a little bit of attention, you are not a robot or an atm machine.

Well, I now need my blood pressure medicene. So I am not sure if this venting is doing me any good or not.

Darkness

2005-01-31T20:19:00.000-08:00

I guess the day is not to be enjoyed?

Why does man always find pleasure in hurting another? Why does man always think that to be seen as the "spiritual" one he must wound the weaker one?

Were we all not weak at one time? Were we all not in need of God's kindness? Why must man deal with man as if he is the example for all men?

You are no doubt tired of my questions...

Am I the only one?

2005-01-16T13:18:00.000-08:00

I can recall the day when it was a true delight in my home to "go out" to eat. Growing up in a family that lived from one pay day to the next, we did not get the "Let's just eat out" option very often. Yet I do remember the joy of it, after having to eat a home cooked meal every day, there was nothing like a good fast food meal.

This is what leads me to my post today. Whatever ever happened to the fast food place? Am I the only one or has fast food America become, please pull up and we will bring it out to you place. There was a day that before you could get your car pulled up to the window, they had your hamburger, fish sandwich, and chicken in a bag and ready for you to pay and pull off. Now you pay and have to find another place to park so that they can bring it out to you. My friend this is NOT fast food!!!

Am I the only one, or does anyone else want nothing more than a hamburger that has been cooked for 4 hours sitting under a heat lamp with fries that have been sitting in a grease drain pan for 2 hours. Now that is fast food, there was a day that we thought there was nothing better, now we think that we are too good for it. So now we have to sit for 15 minutes waiting on something that should have already been done 30 minutes ago.

Am I the only one, or does anyone else care that the fast food place is slipping away from us. I remember the day when you did not have to sit down and wait for your food to be ready, before you could get the change in your pocket your order was waiting on you and they were helping the person behind you.

I don't know.... Maybe I am the only one who has no patience... Maybe the wife is right.

I have been told.....

2005-01-14T13:48:00.000-08:00

It was a few weeks back the wife and I were sitting in a hamburger place(big spender), enjoying our lunch when she says to me. "Why do you eat your hamburger backwards?" Now up until this time in my life some 32 years I had no idea that there was a right way and a wrong way to eat a hamburger. Yet now after 10 years of marriage she decides that she has had enough of my eating the hamburger the "wrong" way.

Now if you are wondering how I eat the crazy thing ( and let me just say, there is NOTHING better than a GOOD hamburger). So anyway, all my life i have eaten the burger with the flat side of the bun towards the other person, instead of facing me. Now if the wife would have just said in a polite Pastor's wife tone, honey would you turn the burger around I would have done it in a very Pastoral manner, but NO.. she has to be all rude about it. Trying to make me feel like the minority or something!!!

So here is my quest, to get every hamburger lover in America to turn the bun around and eat bottom side (if there is a bottom side) up. So at any given time when the wife and I walk into a restruant or hamburger joint, there she will see that her husband is not strange.

Don't run... I wont preach

2005-01-13T09:30:00.000-08:00

"Maycomb was a tired old town, the day was 24 hours long, but it seemed longer" Hearing those words for the 1st time was like finding a friend. Someone understands my life I thought at that moment. Well you might know by now, I am a Pastor. I have for many years taken the time to sit behind my desk and write in my journal and then hide it under a pile of books, so that no one would know that I have more dark days than bright days. I mean... Who would appreciate a Pastor that wondered if the light at the end of the tunnel was just another crazy man with a flashlight. I am not your typical Pastor, I do however love people and care for them with a great deal of respect and consider my calling the greatest honor that man could ever have. Yet I also have days that I wonder what life would be like just being "normal" and many days I ask the question; "Why must you be so silent?"

So having said that... This is not a place for me to preach, I do enough of that for 3 people. Yet I come to this place to just open my life to those that would like to laugh and realize that even a preacher sometimes gets lost on his way.